Hello again.
Recently I decided to find a new behavioral therapist to
receive some sensitivity/anxiety coaching again. I was struggling with feeling
no control over my negative emotions. The first appointment with my new coach I
told my “story” for her to get to know my history and personality better. Then
we talked about the recent changes I’ve been through: getting married, living
together for the first time, and moving to a new place. She said, “That’s a lot of change to go through all at once.”
That simple statement made a big impact. Duh! No wonder I’ve been crying a lot.
Change happens, and adjustment to change takes time.
I told her about my husband, Dackota, and how wonderful he
is to me, especially when I’m feeling upset and overwhelmed. She challenged me
to write a list of the things he does for me when I feel down and then ask
myself, Are there things Dackota does for
me that I can do for myself?
When I’m upset, Dackota:
1. Hugs/cuddles me
2. Listens to me talk about why I’m crying/upset
3. Validates me
a. “It’s okay to cry."
b. “I like that you’re sensitive because…”
4. “I still love you."
a. Years of dating conditioned me to
think that if I was sad or cried I was weak, not strong, and that the other
party’s love would be conditional and end. Dackota always reassures me that he
still loves me, no matter what.
I started a list of what I can do for myself, and she helped
me finish it.
1. I can’t hug myself, but I can change my environment.
a. Receiving a hug makes us feel safe, secure, and
protected. We came up with a list of places to go or things I can do to feel
more secure, grounded.
i. Some examples: bookstore, library, home, grocery store, mom and dad's house, exercise (biking, hiking, walking, yoga), taking a bath, reading, being outside, jigsaw puzzling, etc.
2. I’m not going to talk to myself, but I can write my feelings down.
a. What would I say to Dackota if he were here?
3. Validate myself
a. It’s
normal to feel this way.
b. My root feelings are feelings anyone would have,
just more intense.
4. Have a
list of reasons why my sensitivity is a good thing.
a. When I'm upset my emotions take over and it feels like the worst thing in the world to be sensitive. Having this list will help me remember why it's great to be me.
One of my volunteers (she’s also my friend) came with me
this week to help me pack up the food for meal delivery that day. We had a
blast! (I was trying to convince her to come be my assistant.) She’s one of
those people I connected with from the beginning. She has the energy of a
20-year old but is in her 60s and has a lot of life experience to offer. She
and her family all struggle with depression – she’s been working on her “issues”
her whole life. She talked about how with anxiety/depression there is a
tendency to ruminate and analyze the same things over and over and over. One of
the biggest lessons she learned from counseling is living in the present. Though the past shapes us and we must make
plans for the future, the present is most important. Think, what are you
worried about? Something you did/didn’t do, something you’re nervous about
coming up in the near future? Breathe, relax, and be in the now.
And then, there it came – the moment that caught me off guard
in the most beautiful way. My friend told me, “I have a picture of myself back
when I was in kindergarten. I keep it displayed in my closet where I can see it
every day. I look at the picture and say to myself, Be good to her today.”
Do you ever feel broken? Do you ever wish you could go back
to being a child before you were tainted by the worries and anxieties of the world?
You’re not so far gone. You are still the same person. That child is still
there inside you. Be good to her.
This is the photo of me I have chosen to display to remind me to
take care of and love me:
Think about it. What photo would you display to remind you to love yourself? Go and find it,
then do it.
