My vision changed. Again. Just like I thought it would, in the eye I thought it did. Even though this has become a regular occurrence it still scares me to pieces every time.
It's not as simple as just going to the eye doctor. It's a whole process:
I notice my headaches and dizziness get worse.
I confide in Dackota and tell him I don't feel good and hate that I'm dizzy.
He suggests maybe my vision has changed again.
I tell him it hasn't even been 4 months this time...
I get up the nerve to call the eye doctor for an appointment.
They say, "Sure, we can get you scheduled. Let me just pull up your profile... Oh! It looks like you were just here three months ago. Are you sure you still want to make an appointment?"
Me: "Yes, I'm sure. I have a dizziness condition and my vision changes frequently."
I give them my new insurance information and that's that.
The next day I get a call, "Hi Staci, I'm wondering what insurance you will be using for your eye appointment next week. I can't find the information for it anywhere."
I give her my insurance information again.
"Okay, thank you! Oh! It looks like you were just here in October. Do you still want to come in?"
I'm not sure if I want to anymore. But yes.
Having to explain myself each time why I need to come in again after only 3-4 months is frustrating. I know it's not their fault, but it makes me feel like I'm crazy. And yes, there was a third phone call!
Thankfully the eye doctor knows what he's doing and validates me every time I go in. He says he can always tell when his vision changes even the slightest bit. "You must just be sensitive to it," he says. THANK YOU FOR NOT MAKING ME FEEL CRAZY.
The moment he said, "Yep. You were right. Your right eye changed just the slightest bit," a warmth of relief washed over me. Relief that I was right about what I was feeling (even after only 3 months). Relief because my symptoms are being caused by something I still have a bit of control over. I can handle having to get a new prescription every four months. But if the day ever comes when it becomes something new, something worse? I'm not ready for that.
But then when the eye doctor tells me lasik eye surgery (which I had in 2014) is probably the cause of my frequent vision changes it makes me want to cry and tell the world to NEVER GET LASIK, just in case!
It makes me feel regretful that I ever did it, wondering if the dizziness that accompanies my vision changes is caused by lasik, too.
I lean in to those feelings for a brief moment, long enough to acknowledge the hurt and uncertainty I feel. Then, I let the feelings pass and remember that I have come so far since that August 2018, when there were even more unknowns. When I felt like my eyes and brain and "normal" were all falling apart.
That was a time when doctors were throwing me into the label of PPPD (Persistent Postural-Perceptual Dizziness, which I still might have along with vision changes) which really just said "we don't know what's wrong with you but we've seen other people with similar symptoms so we will just call it something to lump you all together" category... That was crappy. So I took matters into my own hands and spent hours - painful hours, both physically and emotionally - researching on the internet what could possibly be wrong with me.
And I figured it out. I figured out that it had something to do with my eyes. And even then it wasn't just an easy fix. I saw two separate eye doctors, who gave me two very different prescriptions. I decided to trust and go with the one that felt right and ever since have experienced amazing relief from this crazy, mysterious condition, able to live my life [mostly] how I choose to.
So. I'm writing this post to process it all, but also to share what is quite possibly the most vulnerable part of my life in hopes it helps someone. I believe our most vulnerable experiences can connect us, can help us to love deeper, can make us stronger. We may find pain in hard times, but maybe we can take a piece of that pain and turn it into strength.
Being dizzy and having eye problems, whatever they are, is on my mind all. the. time. Nearly every moment of every day sometimes. That's what happens to us with trials and tough things we don't choose for ourselves.
But you know what? At the same time I'm also thinking about what a kind husband I have, what a fun dog I have, how neat it is I get to go to school again to grow and learn more about a passion of mine, what a blessing it is to have a nice home and a family I love more than anything. Somehow, if we are open and (this next part is key) LOOKING for it, the dark times can shed light on the brightest parts of life, often just when you need it the most.
So. I choose to find joy in other parts of my life to take along with me and my pain. I hope you can, too.
Also, having a goofy pup like Larke around makes everything better.
It's true what they say about dogs:
Unconditional Love.
(Both ways)
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