I can’t remember a time when anxiety was not a part of me.
Early on it was a natural part of life – everyone feels anxiety at some point
or another, especially growing up when each year there are new things to learn
about the world and about oneself.
I was 21 years old when I found myself truly in love for the
first time – we planned to marry. With sudden information and inspiration I
decided to completely end the relationship. Those were some of my saddest days, I think
for many reasons: I was young and naïve, I didn’t have the life perspective of an experienced
adult, I felt like I had it all, and then I chose for
it to all be taken away, and frankly, I was lacking faith.
After this experience I began dating again. I suddenly had this overcoming fear
that would not go away. I was so afraid of going through the same thing
(falling in love, breaking up, being in a dark void of sadness, etc.) that I had
just experienced.
I remember I was sitting out at our pool. I placed myself in
the corner, which was lucky because I called my mom to talk and ended
up balling. With her help I realized that I needed some guidance. I needed to learn about this fear and anxiety
to cope and be OK again.
After just my first meeting with my therapist she helped me
see the good my anxiety brought to the table. She helped me embrace who I am and love myself for it. I learned so
much about myself with her help and I will always be grateful for that.
I dated a lot of guys and in consequence had a lot of break
ups. It was hard, but none of them were as earth shattering as the first one.
After that first one I feel I found a balance of being vulnerable enough to open up and love again, but still protecting my heart. I remember being so
confident that the man I would end up marrying would be the man I felt no
anxiety with.
I’m here to tell you that it is NOT about the man you don’t have
anxieties with. It’s about the man that chooses to help you, stay with you, and
love you through the anxieties.
I had some of the worst things happen to me when dating my
now husband – some really crappy physical and emotional health mishaps. And each
time something “bad” would happen I was scared. I was terrified that he would
leave me, that he would stop loving me... He never left me. He never made me feel
guilty for struggling and he helped me. Every time. I quickly learned that the
words ‘I still love you' meant
everything to me.
Guess what? He has insecurities too, and guess what? He’s
been scared that I’ll leave him, because he’s been abandoned before in his
life. So he learned that the words ‘I
will love you forever’ meant everything to him.
That’s what marriage and real love is about. It’s about
loving each other not despite our imperfections but because of them. It’s about staying with each other and loving each
other through the difficult times. It’s a daily choice to be the best you can
be to lift your spouse to be the best that he/she can be. THAT is true love.
Marriage has its hard times, but when you help each other to come out of those hard times together, supporting each other, you grow stronger
as a couple because of it.
Dackota, I will love you forever. Thank you for still loving me.
