What a week.
I fell in love with the most darling puppy I
ever did see. Dackota grew up with dogs - I had every other pet imaginable but never a dog for more than a few days. In our marriage we've talked often about getting a
dog but always said we would wait until we had a house. But this dog was a mini daschund and too adorable for words. We decided to keep her and name her Rune. I adored her and doted on her. She slept on my
chest the entire first night we got her. I didn’t sleep much because of it but
I was so in love it didn’t matter. We were in puppy heaven that first day.
She was hardly bigger than my size 5 foot
Then came the potty training and crate training... Thereafter came
the anxiety. We couldn’t leave her alone in her pen or crate – even while in
the same room as her – without her freaking out. Living in an apartment we have
neighbors all around us so we were worried they would get upset about her barking. For
such a small body she had quite the voice! We began to feel the dread of going
back to work and leaving her alone, barking, us worrying…
We realized we were missing two key elements: a house with
no neighbors at every wall and one of us who is home most of the time. We came
to the decision we weren’t ready for a puppy. So we gave her back. I cried a lot and still have my moments.
We realized we spent the whole weekend together but we
missed each other terribly. Having a puppy (even for only three days) taught us we love and appreciate
each other even more than we knew. We learned that even when one of us is
anxious or depressed, we can still be kind to each other. Dackota was
especially good at telling me he loves me, misses me, etc. even while not feeling
good himself.
In our decision to give Rune back I felt and still feel very sad, angry, and guilty. Yes I was
tired and anxious having a puppy, but at the same time I was so fulfilled. This
adorable little being needed me and I was good at loving her and taking
care of her. And then I abandoned her. And I was left without her.
The day we returned her we found out my nephew was hit by a
car. We were all so afraid. And more guilt slammed me. Why was I feeling so sorry for myself about a puppy when we could have lost my nephew? Thankfully, there was
no permanent damage. He was in the hospital for a couple nights and is back
home and recovering well. The shock of it threw us all for a loop, though, and we are all so grateful it wasn't worse.
Guilt or no guilt, I miss my puppy. It feels like a part of
me is missing. Like my maternal instincts finally came out and then were
ripped from me, leaving me empty. I think about her all the time and have come
up with so many scenarios of how we could have made it work. But ultimately I know we
made the best decision.
A positive feeling that did come out of this experience was a newfound hope in being a good mother (something that, if you know me, terrifies me). I have an inherent need to nurture. And being able to nurture is very fulfilling for me. I did well nurturing our puppy and I know I can do it well with my own kids someday because I will love them even more.
Yes, Dackota and I recognize we might have similar feelings of exhaustion, anxiety, depression if and when we have kids someday. Yes, we know that our time together won’t always feel as connected as it does right now. But while we have it we will cherish it.
At times I feel selfish in my grief. I am fully aware that
others are suffering far more tremendous feelings of hurt and sadness than me
right now. There are world disasters all over right now. There is great loss
all around the country. But it doesn’t make my feelings go away.
I’m sharing this because I want everyone to know that there
shouldn’t be a “measure” put on grief. Everybody grieves and everybody does it in different ways. Some people can bounce back quickly; others cannot. Neither is better or worse – just different, as we all are. Even if what you are grieving over
seems small and insignificant to the world, it is big and very significant to you. It’s OK to be sad. It’s sure as
hell not fun, but it’s OK. Take time to feel all the emotions – let them out in
order to let them pass. If you are grieving, I hope and pray that you can find
peace and healing.
A piece of advice I have for others: Welcome input and
thoughts from others, but make your decisions for you. Your therapist might say
getting a puppy is a great idea! Your coworker might say it’s a terrible idea.
Turns out this one was both: the best worst decision ever.
Be confident in your decisions and if they don’t turn out
the way you expect them to, be grateful for the lessons learned, and try to begin
the path to moving forward.
