When Life Doesn't Go According to Plan

My mom might read this and say, "Short version, Staci." I've had a habit of very detailed stories since I was a kid... For the lengthy Staci version... Here we go!

Summer 2016.

I found myself needing to sleep so much that I couldn't stay awake during the day. I consulted with my mom and remember telling her multiple times, I just feel like there's something wrong with me. Then one morning I woke up and the world was spinning. I didn't know then I would become so familiar with the word vertigo.

Vertigo-ed tree

It was so bad I felt like I was going to fall out of bed while lying completely still. The nausea was awful and I was scared. My doctor wouldn't see me (he said he "doesn't do vertigo") so mom took me to the ER. The doctor there saw some fluid in my ears so they referred me to an ENT. Two days later I saw an ENT (ear/nose/throat doctor) who prescribed me allergy meds and sent me on my way. The vertigo did go away, which I was grateful for.

Then on Christmas Eve I woke up and the vertigo had returned. The next day dad looked up some videos on YouTube and found the infamous "Epley Maneuver," a vertigo exercise. I was super skeptical but was willing to try anything. Amazingly after doing the exercise I felt better immediately! It was like voodoo.

My problem went away for almost a year, only to return about 5 weeks ago. I woke up one Saturday morning with everything around me spinning. I tried to get up but the nausea hit me hard. Dackota came to help me - we tried the Epley maneuver but I was so nauseous I couldn't continue. Thank goodness for anti-nausea medicine! I rested most of the day and it went away.

Two Saturdays ago I woke up yet again, the same spinning. Again the Epleys did not work. I was able to go to church the next day but once I got back home the dizziness came back. I could feel the discouragement creeping in...

Dackota encouraged me to use our online doctor service. I wasn't sure about it but he has good ideas so I went for it. I talked to a provider on video chat and explained my history with vertigo. She said I should be going to a physical therapist for vertigo, not an ENT. It was new information and I felt relieved there was something else to try.

The next day I was searching through physical therapists on my insurance page and nothing clicked. I googled "vertigo help in Scottsdale." I found a physical therapy office, called the next morning, and they were able to get me in at the end of the day.

The PT was amazing. It was the first time I felt validated in this crazy thing happening to my body. He explained the way crystals become loose in your ear and get stuck in your ear canals, causing vertigo. He spent a lot of time with me, doing various exercises, watching my eyes shift back and forth (the only cool part about vertigo + exercises), etc.

He recommended another PT who specializes in vertigo if it came back. I made an appointment for the next Tuesday (the soonest they could get me in). Thursday morning I was putting on my shoes in my closet when I literally just fell over on my side. I did the Epley maneuver and must have made it worse, causing extreme nausea, body heat, and a migraine. I saw the original PT and the next morning the specialist's office said they had a cancellation and could get me in.

I was thrilled that I would finally get some answers! I thought this was it - this was how I was going to learn how to not have vertigo.

By the time I made it to the specialist my vertigo had passed. He told me he believes I have Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV), a vestibular disorder. There is no known cause = no prevention. Once the crystals are loose in your ear once, the more it can happen. BPPV can only be treated when the vertigo is present.

My heart sunk. I was so completely disappointed and frustrated that this was it. That's all I got. Us humans find resolution in knowing "what is wrong with us." When we have a headache we take ibuprofen for pain relief. When we have a chemical imbalance we take medicine to help balance us out.

Long story short... I'm sharing all this to tell you what I learned.

• Don't stop checking your resources.
• Research, research, research. Google, word of mouth, different doctors, etc. Whatever it takes to get second, third, and fourth opinions to help us. We never know what might be the catalyst for help. For me it was a doctor on video chat!

• We can become stronger as a result of our challenges and hard times.
• I was a mess the first time I experienced vertigo. But each time after that I've gotten better at accepting the situation for what it is. I was able to relax more and take things bit by bit. Like with most things, practice makes progress. Actively trying increases our strength and ability to handle what life throws at us.

• We need others to support and love us through it.
• On my worst day of vertigo last week my Dad said, "Mom and I are behind you guys 100%." Such a simple phrase held such power to me in that moment. It assured me I wasn't a burden, but loved immensely and supported unconditionally. Mom and dad still take care of me, even though I'm almost 27!
• I was filled with such despair that this was my life now: no control, no strength. When Dackota got home I immediately felt calm and comforted. He has a way of knowing things will work out no matter what. He never gets upset when I don't feel good and always tells me, It's not your fault. His faith helps me through hard times.

• Things we don't choose/want in life have a way of pointing out the good.
• I've been soaking up the good moments this last week, and even the mundane ones. I catch myself in the middle of appreciating a moment, thinking, I could have gotten vertigo this morning but instead I have control over my day. Having had bed-ridden days and knowing I could have one at any time really makes me appreciate the good and motivates me to do what I can while I'm feeling well.

Again, I know that others are struggling far worse than I have and probably ever will. But I'll be honest, I'm a wimp! Dackota reassured me that I have so much good to offer the world, that there are so many people I'm already helping. I am needed and loved. Vertigo (or anything else I don't have control over, really) does not define me.

Remember that when you are struggling: you are needed and loved. You have more good to offer than bad. Our minds automatically focus on the negative, sometimes even more so when it comes to ourselves. Learn to accept what you can't control, change what you can, and make peace with it. Know that you are worthy of love no matter what.

The Best Worst Decision Ever

What a week.

I fell in love with the most darling puppy I ever did see. Dackota grew up with dogs - I had every other pet imaginable but never a dog for more than a few days. In our marriage we've talked often about getting a dog but always said we would wait until we had a house. But this dog was a mini daschund and too adorable for words. We decided to keep her and name her Rune. I adored her and doted on her. She slept on my chest the entire first night we got her. I didn’t sleep much because of it but I was so in love it didn’t matter. We were in puppy heaven that first day.

She was hardly bigger than my size 5 foot

Then came the potty training and crate training... Thereafter came the anxiety. We couldn’t leave her alone in her pen or crate – even while in the same room as her – without her freaking out. Living in an apartment we have neighbors all around us so we were worried they would get upset about her barking. For such a small body she had quite the voice! We began to feel the dread of going back to work and leaving her alone, barking, us worrying…

We realized we were missing two key elements: a house with no neighbors at every wall and one of us who is home most of the time. We came to the decision we weren’t ready for a puppy. So we gave her back. I cried a lot and still have my moments.

We realized we spent the whole weekend together but we missed each other terribly. Having a puppy (even for only three days) taught us we love and appreciate each other even more than we knew. We learned that even when one of us is anxious or depressed, we can still be kind to each other. Dackota was especially good at telling me he loves me, misses me, etc. even while not feeling good himself.

In our decision to give Rune back I felt and still feel very sad, angry, and guilty. Yes I was tired and anxious having a puppy, but at the same time I was so fulfilled. This adorable little being needed me and I was good at loving her and taking care of her. And then I abandoned her. And I was left without her.

The day we returned her we found out my nephew was hit by a car. We were all so afraid. And more guilt slammed me. Why was I feeling so sorry for myself about a puppy when we could have lost my nephew? Thankfully, there was no permanent damage. He was in the hospital for a couple nights and is back home and recovering well. The shock of it threw us all for a loop, though, and we are all so grateful it wasn't worse.

Guilt or no guilt, I miss my puppy. It feels like a part of me is missing. Like my maternal instincts finally came out and then were ripped from me, leaving me empty. I think about her all the time and have come up with so many scenarios of how we could have made it work. But ultimately I know we made the best decision.

A positive feeling that did come out of this experience was a newfound hope in being a good mother (something that, if you know me, terrifies me). I have an inherent need to nurture. And being able to nurture is very fulfilling for me. I did well nurturing our puppy and I know I can do it well with my own kids someday because I will love them even more.

Yes, Dackota and I recognize we might have similar feelings of exhaustion, anxiety, depression if and when we have kids someday. Yes, we know that our time together won’t always feel as connected as it does right now. But while we have it we will cherish it.

At times I feel selfish in my grief. I am fully aware that others are suffering far more tremendous feelings of hurt and sadness than me right now. There are world disasters all over right now. There is great loss all around the country. But it doesn’t make my feelings go away.

I’m sharing this because I want everyone to know that there shouldn’t be a “measure” put on grief. Everybody grieves and everybody does it in different ways. Some people can bounce back quickly; others cannot. Neither is better or worse – just different, as we all are. Even if what you are grieving over seems small and insignificant to the world, it is big and very significant to you. It’s OK to be sad. It’s sure as hell not fun, but it’s OK. Take time to feel all the emotions – let them out in order to let them pass. If you are grieving, I hope and pray that you can find peace and healing.

A piece of advice I have for others: Welcome input and thoughts from others, but make your decisions for you. Your therapist might say getting a puppy is a great idea! Your coworker might say it’s a terrible idea. Turns out this one was both: the best worst decision ever.

Be confident in your decisions and if they don’t turn out the way you expect them to, be grateful for the lessons learned, and try to begin the path to moving forward.

I Still Love You

I can’t remember a time when anxiety was not a part of me. Early on it was a natural part of life – everyone feels anxiety at some point or another, especially growing up when each year there are new things to learn about the world and about oneself.

I was 21 years old when I found myself truly in love for the first time – we planned to marry. With sudden information and inspiration I decided to completely end the relationship. Those were some of my saddest days, I think for many reasons: I was young and naïve, I didn’t have the life perspective of an experienced adult, I felt like I had it all, and then I chose for it to all be taken away, and frankly, I was lacking faith.

After this experience I began dating again. I suddenly had this overcoming fear that would not go away. I was so afraid of going through the same thing (falling in love, breaking up, being in a dark void of sadness, etc.) that I had just experienced.

I remember I was sitting out at our pool. I placed myself in the corner, which was lucky because I called my mom to talk and ended up balling. With her help I realized that I needed some guidance.  I needed to learn about this fear and anxiety to cope and be OK again.

After just my first meeting with my therapist she helped me see the good my anxiety brought to the table. She helped me embrace who I am and love myself for it. I learned so much about myself with her help and I will always be grateful for that.

I dated a lot of guys and in consequence had a lot of break ups. It was hard, but none of them were as earth shattering as the first one. After that first one I feel I found a balance of being vulnerable enough to open up and love again, but still protecting my heart. I remember being so confident that the man I would end up marrying would be the man I felt no anxiety with.

I’m here to tell you that it is NOT about the man you don’t have anxieties with. It’s about the man that chooses to help you, stay with you, and love you through the anxieties.

I had some of the worst things happen to me when dating my now husband – some really crappy physical and emotional health mishaps. And each time something “bad” would happen I was scared. I was terrified that he would leave me, that he would stop loving me... He never left me. He never made me feel guilty for struggling and he helped me. Every time. I quickly learned that the words ‘I still love you' meant everything to me.

Guess what? He has insecurities too, and guess what? He’s been scared that I’ll leave him, because he’s been abandoned before in his life. So he learned that the words ‘I will love you forever’ meant everything to him.

That’s what marriage and real love is about. It’s about loving each other not despite our imperfections but because of them. It’s about staying with each other and loving each other through the difficult times. It’s a daily choice to be the best you can be to lift your spouse to be the best that he/she can be. THAT is true love. Marriage has its hard times, but when you help each other to come out of those hard times together, supporting each other, you grow stronger as a couple because of it.

Dackota, I will love you forever. Thank you for still loving me.

In Sickness and in Health

A few weeks ago I was sick. The kind of sick that makes you lose five pounds in three days. The kind of sick that makes you feel like you're going to die. Luckily, it only felt like that, and I've recovered since then.

Because I'm sure everyone wants to know the turn of events...

     Wednesday night - I began taking prescribed antibiotics.

     Thursday - I fasted to have routine blood work done and felt weird and "off" the rest of the day.

     Friday -  I woke up at 3AM and vomited every 15 minutes for about six hours.

     Friday night - I had to pee so Dackota came to the side of the bed to help me up. I sat up and the next thing I knew I was laying down on the bed with no memory of the moment beforehand. It was like I was waking up from a deep sleep, to Dackota saying, "That was scary, babe." He told me later he had to catch me in his arms and I seized while I laid there. I now know what fainting feels like and yes, it is scary.

     Saturday - Began taking my antibiotics again

     Sunday - Still nauseous, living off pedia-lyte and applesauce

     Monday - Through research mom and I figured out I had a very negative reaction to the antibiotics. Flu-like symptoms continued on far too long, and ones included in the long list of side effects for the antibiotic were: anxiety, chills, confusion, depression, feeling weak, nervousness, numbness and tingling, ringing in the ears, etc. In talking with various people I learned that bad reactions to antibiotics are pretty common. Something to be aware of!
     Tuesday - Still very weak, but able to eat some cream of wheat. Progress!
     Wednesday - Finally was able to do a half day at work!

Thankfully, Dackota stayed home from work that Friday to take care of me. My only goal for the next few days was to stay hydrated. Amazing how your goals in life can be simplified so quickly.

At one point during the week I woke up in the middle of the night feeling so dehydrated and anxious. I woke up Dackota and told him, "I think I need to go to the hospital." He asked why and I said, "I'm so dehydrated." He told me, "They're just going to give you fluids." I told him I was in panic mode and he asked if I needed an anxiety pill (I had already taken one). He told me, "It's okay," and rolled over and went to sleep. Don't worry, we're laughing about it now.

There is always some good to be discovered, even in the worst of circumstances. Friday morning after throwing up multiple times I called out to Dackota. He came to the bathroom to be with me and held my hair back when I threw up (less romantic than it sounds, but still sweet). I said to him I wished there was a bed in the bathroom so he brought me a blanket and a pillow. There was a moment when both our heads were on the pillow, opposite each other, that was so comforting to me. Even though I was totally miserable I had him with me and he was willing to risk getting sick to be near me and comfort me.

I believe our bodies - and sometimes minds - get sick to give us perspective. There's nothing like speeding up the gratitude process than realizing all the things we take for granted each day. The important thing is coming out of hard times a better person.

This quote has really helped me in my lowest moments:

When you're sick you realize all the things you take for granted on a daily basis:

• Modern medicine
• Walking around for more than a few seconds at a time, exercise
• Nature, being outside
• Taking care of others instead of being the one taken care of
• Going to church
• Work! And the ability to actually go to work.

Since being sick I'm even more grateful for:

• The people who love me and take care of me
• The ability to get up and out of the house in the morning, even when I think I don't like to do it
• My job and the flexibility it provides, an understanding boss and helpful assistant
• Music - many moments the only thing that would comfort me was my "Relaxation" station on Pandora. I'm usually the one to play the piano for people, but this time I needed it for myself.
• Jesus Christ - I had a lot of time to ponder, and my testimony has been strengthened. I know that Christ suffered and died for us - not just for our sins but for our sorrows, heartaches, and pains. I know that He was with me. He knew exactly what I was feeling, understood my frustrations, and comforted me through it all.

Lessons to take away:

• Patience. We're so quick to pull out our smart phones or electronics when we're waiting - in line at the grocery store, at the doctor office, etc. There is beauty in simplicity, in sitting still and letting our minds work naturally, instead of always focusing on something to keep from being "bored." A few days ago I took Facebook off my phone and I've been surprised how many moments I normally would open it up - instead I try to stay in "stillness" and not be so focused on what's going on in the social media world.
• Learn to appreciate the mundane. With the right perspective sometimes "OK" days can be great days.
• We can't get through life without each other.
• There is always something to be grateful for.
• Heavenly Father allows us to experience hard times so that we can be more humble and more grateful. It's the refinery process to shape us into the best version of ourselves.

Overall...

Just, don't forget to appreciate the collateral beauty. And also go watch the movie Collateral Beauty. It's inspiring and my new favorite.

Life is tough, but so are you

This last week I had to deal with a difficult situation with a client. All morning I dreaded going over to her house to “smooth things over.” I worked myself up into high anxiety. When I got there, though, she was so happy to see me and greeted me warmly. Not what I was expecting. As we sat down to talk I realized I was stuck in the middle of a good cop/bad cop circumstance (luckily I was the good cop). It still wasn’t easy to reinforce important information with her but you know what? I did it! I lived!

I got back into the car afterwards and as I drove back to work it took me a few minutes to determine what it was I was feeling: Empowerment. Something I was dreading for hours actually left me feeling motivated. I had all these things floating in my mind I had been putting off that I felt I could truly handle and get done in that moment.

Lessons I re-learned:

• Most of the time we anticipate situations to be much worse than they really are.
• Doing hard things can be empowering!
• We are stronger than we think we are.

I'm still learning about myself and the way my body responds to the world around me and situations I find myself in. Some days are better than others. Lately I've really been aware of my anxiety and the impact it has on me.

Anxiety rewires your brain so that you imagine the worst case scenario to every negative situation and then ruminate over it, therefore making it even more difficult to pull yourself out of the negative feelings. When I'm feeling good I recognize the wonderful blessing my anxiety gives me to empathize with others and be more kind. When I'm feeling crappy, it's hard to see anything good in it. It's important to have a list of things that help us when we're feeling down.

Here are some things that help me when I'm feeling anxious/overwhelmed:

• Writing down my thoughts and feelings
• Accompanied with gratitude journaling when ready
• Talking to someone who understands, who I trust (for me, my husband or mom)
• Physical touch
• My parents and husband know well I love to snuggle! For my husband and I, we are more able to open up and connect when we are touching.
• Sleep/taking a nap (My mom helped me learn early on that everything is worse when I'm tired.)
• Crying - sometimes it's best to just let it out
• Medication (This one is a personal decision for everyone.)
• Reading Scriptures
• Exercise
• Distraction

Though I'm most definitely not one of those people who think you can just flip a switch and choose to be happy, I do believe it's less exhausting to be happy. I got a trinket from a friend's bridal shower recently that had this quote (with arrows!) on it that felt really meaningful to me:

The Power of Positive Thinking

Our brains seem to be wired to focus on the negative. It’s not necessarily a “bad” thing. We notice the things that are “off” around us and try to fix/improve them to make situations better. However, always focusing on the negative can be very detrimental and discouraging. I don’t believe thinking positively is a cure-all, but I do believe it helps. This is where gratitude journaling can help - thoughts and ideas stick better when we write them down.

I see a family practice doctor, who happens to have the same religious beliefs I do. He told me once, "I like to think that one day Heavenly Father will say to me, Nate, you did pretty good for someone with a serotonin imbalance.” God knows you. He knows the internal struggles you face.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland nailed it and pulled at the heart strings when he said this during the April 2016 LDS General Conference:

"With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed. – (Tomorrow the World Will Do Wonders among You)

Faith. Positive thinking. Helpful lists to help you in time of need... Focus on your strengths, not the world weighing you down. Give yourself credit for making it this far. If you have to, start again tomorrow. I know it's all easier said then done which is why we need to help each other and love each other. Yes, life is tough, but so are you.

Happy Birthday, Rachel

Just look at her. Is she not gorgeous?!

Rachel is a Hebrew name meaning “little lamb” and symbolizes innocence and purity. Anyone who knows my Rachel would agree it suits her.

She is my best friend. Last summer she passed away and it left many hearts aching.

Our birthdays are two days apart. It was always fun celebrating together. Tonight, on Rachel’s 26^th birthday, Dackota and I celebrated her memory by making stuffed peppers. It was the meal she made for us the first night we stayed with her in St. George last summer (it will always be one of the best weekends I’ve ever had).

She was the most consistent friend I’ve ever had – she always returned my phone calls and texts. I never had to wonder if she would be there for me.

She was there through my dating and break ups, and I was there for her too, reminding her that "boys are stupid."

She was so in tune – with the Spirit, with herself, and with those around her. As I am learning about my own sensitivity I find myself learning more about hers, too. I believe she loved me exactly the way I am. And I loved her, exactly the way she was.

Years ago my family and I lost a dear friend of ours. She died unexpectedly at the age of 18. As a 12-year old girl, it was the most traumatic thing I’d ever experienced. It took time to understand and feel that God has a plan and we will see her again someday. I remember my mom telling me something along the lines of: Some people don’t need a whole lifetime to pass this earthly test. How true that is. Rachel has passed her test on this earth.

Sometimes the good memories of those we’ve loved and lost can get swallowed up by the enormous pain we feel when they leave us. With help, I’ve learned that it is important to remember the good times, so that their memory isn’t always associate with the sadness. Today as we celebrated Rachel’s memory I’m remembering the good times:

• She had the cutest giggle.
• In college we used to switch cereals boxes when we got sick of the ones we had.
• She helped me with my Halloween costumes – always with a sense of style, that girl.
• I hated clothes shopping unless it was with her.
• She was creative in style, art, music, and cooking.
• We loved to curl up on the couch and watch cheesy romantic movies.
• She always had a way of making me feel so special to her.
• The weekend she met Dackota she told me, “You two are so perfect for each other it’s sickening.” 

I was having a hard day this day. Rachel and her parents encouraged and validated me and helped me feel so much better.

I will never stop missing her or needing her or loving her. How blessed I am to have so much love for and to be loved so well by such a beautiful girl.

I love you, Rachel.