I Still Love You

I can’t remember a time when anxiety was not a part of me. Early on it was a natural part of life – everyone feels anxiety at some point or another, especially growing up when each year there are new things to learn about the world and about oneself.

I was 21 years old when I found myself truly in love for the first time – we planned to marry. With sudden information and inspiration I decided to completely end the relationship. Those were some of my saddest days, I think for many reasons: I was young and naïve, I didn’t have the life perspective of an experienced adult, I felt like I had it all, and then I chose for it to all be taken away, and frankly, I was lacking faith.

After this experience I began dating again. I suddenly had this overcoming fear that would not go away. I was so afraid of going through the same thing (falling in love, breaking up, being in a dark void of sadness, etc.) that I had just experienced.

I remember I was sitting out at our pool. I placed myself in the corner, which was lucky because I called my mom to talk and ended up balling. With her help I realized that I needed some guidance.  I needed to learn about this fear and anxiety to cope and be OK again.

After just my first meeting with my therapist she helped me see the good my anxiety brought to the table. She helped me embrace who I am and love myself for it. I learned so much about myself with her help and I will always be grateful for that.

I dated a lot of guys and in consequence had a lot of break ups. It was hard, but none of them were as earth shattering as the first one. After that first one I feel I found a balance of being vulnerable enough to open up and love again, but still protecting my heart. I remember being so confident that the man I would end up marrying would be the man I felt no anxiety with.

I’m here to tell you that it is NOT about the man you don’t have anxieties with. It’s about the man that chooses to help you, stay with you, and love you through the anxieties.

I had some of the worst things happen to me when dating my now husband – some really crappy physical and emotional health mishaps. And each time something “bad” would happen I was scared. I was terrified that he would leave me, that he would stop loving me... He never left me. He never made me feel guilty for struggling and he helped me. Every time. I quickly learned that the words ‘I still love you' meant everything to me.

Guess what? He has insecurities too, and guess what? He’s been scared that I’ll leave him, because he’s been abandoned before in his life. So he learned that the words ‘I will love you forever’ meant everything to him.

That’s what marriage and real love is about. It’s about loving each other not despite our imperfections but because of them. It’s about staying with each other and loving each other through the difficult times. It’s a daily choice to be the best you can be to lift your spouse to be the best that he/she can be. THAT is true love. Marriage has its hard times, but when you help each other to come out of those hard times together, supporting each other, you grow stronger as a couple because of it.

Dackota, I will love you forever. Thank you for still loving me.

In Sickness and in Health

A few weeks ago I was sick. The kind of sick that makes you lose five pounds in three days. The kind of sick that makes you feel like you're going to die. Luckily, it only felt like that, and I've recovered since then.

Because I'm sure everyone wants to know the turn of events...

     Wednesday night - I began taking prescribed antibiotics.

     Thursday - I fasted to have routine blood work done and felt weird and "off" the rest of the day.

     Friday -  I woke up at 3AM and vomited every 15 minutes for about six hours.

     Friday night - I had to pee so Dackota came to the side of the bed to help me up. I sat up and the next thing I knew I was laying down on the bed with no memory of the moment beforehand. It was like I was waking up from a deep sleep, to Dackota saying, "That was scary, babe." He told me later he had to catch me in his arms and I seized while I laid there. I now know what fainting feels like and yes, it is scary.

     Saturday - Began taking my antibiotics again

     Sunday - Still nauseous, living off pedia-lyte and applesauce

     Monday - Through research mom and I figured out I had a very negative reaction to the antibiotics. Flu-like symptoms continued on far too long, and ones included in the long list of side effects for the antibiotic were: anxiety, chills, confusion, depression, feeling weak, nervousness, numbness and tingling, ringing in the ears, etc. In talking with various people I learned that bad reactions to antibiotics are pretty common. Something to be aware of!
     Tuesday - Still very weak, but able to eat some cream of wheat. Progress!
     Wednesday - Finally was able to do a half day at work!

Thankfully, Dackota stayed home from work that Friday to take care of me. My only goal for the next few days was to stay hydrated. Amazing how your goals in life can be simplified so quickly.

At one point during the week I woke up in the middle of the night feeling so dehydrated and anxious. I woke up Dackota and told him, "I think I need to go to the hospital." He asked why and I said, "I'm so dehydrated." He told me, "They're just going to give you fluids." I told him I was in panic mode and he asked if I needed an anxiety pill (I had already taken one). He told me, "It's okay," and rolled over and went to sleep. Don't worry, we're laughing about it now.

There is always some good to be discovered, even in the worst of circumstances. Friday morning after throwing up multiple times I called out to Dackota. He came to the bathroom to be with me and held my hair back when I threw up (less romantic than it sounds, but still sweet). I said to him I wished there was a bed in the bathroom so he brought me a blanket and a pillow. There was a moment when both our heads were on the pillow, opposite each other, that was so comforting to me. Even though I was totally miserable I had him with me and he was willing to risk getting sick to be near me and comfort me.

I believe our bodies - and sometimes minds - get sick to give us perspective. There's nothing like speeding up the gratitude process than realizing all the things we take for granted each day. The important thing is coming out of hard times a better person.

This quote has really helped me in my lowest moments:

When you're sick you realize all the things you take for granted on a daily basis:

• Modern medicine
• Walking around for more than a few seconds at a time, exercise
• Nature, being outside
• Taking care of others instead of being the one taken care of
• Going to church
• Work! And the ability to actually go to work.

Since being sick I'm even more grateful for:

• The people who love me and take care of me
• The ability to get up and out of the house in the morning, even when I think I don't like to do it
• My job and the flexibility it provides, an understanding boss and helpful assistant
• Music - many moments the only thing that would comfort me was my "Relaxation" station on Pandora. I'm usually the one to play the piano for people, but this time I needed it for myself.
• Jesus Christ - I had a lot of time to ponder, and my testimony has been strengthened. I know that Christ suffered and died for us - not just for our sins but for our sorrows, heartaches, and pains. I know that He was with me. He knew exactly what I was feeling, understood my frustrations, and comforted me through it all.

Lessons to take away:

• Patience. We're so quick to pull out our smart phones or electronics when we're waiting - in line at the grocery store, at the doctor office, etc. There is beauty in simplicity, in sitting still and letting our minds work naturally, instead of always focusing on something to keep from being "bored." A few days ago I took Facebook off my phone and I've been surprised how many moments I normally would open it up - instead I try to stay in "stillness" and not be so focused on what's going on in the social media world.
• Learn to appreciate the mundane. With the right perspective sometimes "OK" days can be great days.
• We can't get through life without each other.
• There is always something to be grateful for.
• Heavenly Father allows us to experience hard times so that we can be more humble and more grateful. It's the refinery process to shape us into the best version of ourselves.

Overall...

Just, don't forget to appreciate the collateral beauty. And also go watch the movie Collateral Beauty. It's inspiring and my new favorite.

Life is tough, but so are you

This last week I had to deal with a difficult situation with a client. All morning I dreaded going over to her house to “smooth things over.” I worked myself up into high anxiety. When I got there, though, she was so happy to see me and greeted me warmly. Not what I was expecting. As we sat down to talk I realized I was stuck in the middle of a good cop/bad cop circumstance (luckily I was the good cop). It still wasn’t easy to reinforce important information with her but you know what? I did it! I lived!

I got back into the car afterwards and as I drove back to work it took me a few minutes to determine what it was I was feeling: Empowerment. Something I was dreading for hours actually left me feeling motivated. I had all these things floating in my mind I had been putting off that I felt I could truly handle and get done in that moment.

Lessons I re-learned:

• Most of the time we anticipate situations to be much worse than they really are.
• Doing hard things can be empowering!
• We are stronger than we think we are.

I'm still learning about myself and the way my body responds to the world around me and situations I find myself in. Some days are better than others. Lately I've really been aware of my anxiety and the impact it has on me.

Anxiety rewires your brain so that you imagine the worst case scenario to every negative situation and then ruminate over it, therefore making it even more difficult to pull yourself out of the negative feelings. When I'm feeling good I recognize the wonderful blessing my anxiety gives me to empathize with others and be more kind. When I'm feeling crappy, it's hard to see anything good in it. It's important to have a list of things that help us when we're feeling down.

Here are some things that help me when I'm feeling anxious/overwhelmed:

• Writing down my thoughts and feelings
• Accompanied with gratitude journaling when ready
• Talking to someone who understands, who I trust (for me, my husband or mom)
• Physical touch
• My parents and husband know well I love to snuggle! For my husband and I, we are more able to open up and connect when we are touching.
• Sleep/taking a nap (My mom helped me learn early on that everything is worse when I'm tired.)
• Crying - sometimes it's best to just let it out
• Medication (This one is a personal decision for everyone.)
• Reading Scriptures
• Exercise
• Distraction

Though I'm most definitely not one of those people who think you can just flip a switch and choose to be happy, I do believe it's less exhausting to be happy. I got a trinket from a friend's bridal shower recently that had this quote (with arrows!) on it that felt really meaningful to me:

The Power of Positive Thinking

Our brains seem to be wired to focus on the negative. It’s not necessarily a “bad” thing. We notice the things that are “off” around us and try to fix/improve them to make situations better. However, always focusing on the negative can be very detrimental and discouraging. I don’t believe thinking positively is a cure-all, but I do believe it helps. This is where gratitude journaling can help - thoughts and ideas stick better when we write them down.

I see a family practice doctor, who happens to have the same religious beliefs I do. He told me once, "I like to think that one day Heavenly Father will say to me, Nate, you did pretty good for someone with a serotonin imbalance.” God knows you. He knows the internal struggles you face.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland nailed it and pulled at the heart strings when he said this during the April 2016 LDS General Conference:

"With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed. – (Tomorrow the World Will Do Wonders among You)

Faith. Positive thinking. Helpful lists to help you in time of need... Focus on your strengths, not the world weighing you down. Give yourself credit for making it this far. If you have to, start again tomorrow. I know it's all easier said then done which is why we need to help each other and love each other. Yes, life is tough, but so are you.

Happy Birthday, Rachel

Just look at her. Is she not gorgeous?!

Rachel is a Hebrew name meaning “little lamb” and symbolizes innocence and purity. Anyone who knows my Rachel would agree it suits her.

She is my best friend. Last summer she passed away and it left many hearts aching.

Our birthdays are two days apart. It was always fun celebrating together. Tonight, on Rachel’s 26^th birthday, Dackota and I celebrated her memory by making stuffed peppers. It was the meal she made for us the first night we stayed with her in St. George last summer (it will always be one of the best weekends I’ve ever had).

She was the most consistent friend I’ve ever had – she always returned my phone calls and texts. I never had to wonder if she would be there for me.

She was there through my dating and break ups, and I was there for her too, reminding her that "boys are stupid."

She was so in tune – with the Spirit, with herself, and with those around her. As I am learning about my own sensitivity I find myself learning more about hers, too. I believe she loved me exactly the way I am. And I loved her, exactly the way she was.

Years ago my family and I lost a dear friend of ours. She died unexpectedly at the age of 18. As a 12-year old girl, it was the most traumatic thing I’d ever experienced. It took time to understand and feel that God has a plan and we will see her again someday. I remember my mom telling me something along the lines of: Some people don’t need a whole lifetime to pass this earthly test. How true that is. Rachel has passed her test on this earth.

Sometimes the good memories of those we’ve loved and lost can get swallowed up by the enormous pain we feel when they leave us. With help, I’ve learned that it is important to remember the good times, so that their memory isn’t always associate with the sadness. Today as we celebrated Rachel’s memory I’m remembering the good times:

• She had the cutest giggle.
• In college we used to switch cereals boxes when we got sick of the ones we had.
• She helped me with my Halloween costumes – always with a sense of style, that girl.
• I hated clothes shopping unless it was with her.
• She was creative in style, art, music, and cooking.
• We loved to curl up on the couch and watch cheesy romantic movies.
• She always had a way of making me feel so special to her.
• The weekend she met Dackota she told me, “You two are so perfect for each other it’s sickening.” 

I was having a hard day this day. Rachel and her parents encouraged and validated me and helped me feel so much better.

I will never stop missing her or needing her or loving her. How blessed I am to have so much love for and to be loved so well by such a beautiful girl.

I love you, Rachel.

Be Good to Her

Hello again.

Recently I decided to find a new behavioral therapist to receive some sensitivity/anxiety coaching again. I was struggling with feeling no control over my negative emotions. The first appointment with my new coach I told my “story” for her to get to know my history and personality better. Then we talked about the recent changes I’ve been through: getting married, living together for the first time, and moving to a new place. She said, “That’s a lot of change to go through all at once.” That simple statement made a big impact. Duh! No wonder I’ve been crying a lot. Change happens, and adjustment to change takes time.

I told her about my husband, Dackota, and how wonderful he is to me, especially when I’m feeling upset and overwhelmed. She challenged me to write a list of the things he does for me when I feel down and then ask myself, Are there things Dackota does for me that I can do for myself?

When I’m upset, Dackota:

         1. Hugs/cuddles me

         2. Listens to me talk about why I’m crying/upset

         3. Validates me

                     a. “It’s okay to cry."

                     b. “I like that you’re sensitive because…”

               4. “I still love you."

                           a. Years of dating conditioned me to think that if I was sad or cried I was weak, not strong, and that the other party’s love would be conditional and end. Dackota always reassures me that he still loves me, no matter what.

I started a list of what I can do for myself, and she helped me finish it.

         1. I can’t hug myself, but I can change my environment.

                     a. Receiving a hug makes us feel safe, secure, and protected. We came up with a list of places to go or things I can do to feel more secure, grounded.

                                 i. Some examples: bookstore, library, home, grocery store, mom and dad's house, exercise (biking, hiking, walking, yoga), taking a bath, reading, being outside, jigsaw puzzling, etc.

          2. I’m not going to talk to myself, but I can write my feelings down.

                            a. What would I say to Dackota if he were here?

                3. Validate myself

                            a. It’s normal to feel this way.

                            b. My root feelings are feelings anyone would have, just more intense.

                4. Have a list of reasons why my sensitivity is a good thing.

                            a. When I'm upset my emotions take over and it feels like the worst thing in the world to be sensitive. Having this list will help me remember why it's great to be me.

And finally, the most eye-opening experience of the week…

One of my volunteers (she’s also my friend) came with me this week to help me pack up the food for meal delivery that day. We had a blast! (I was trying to convince her to come be my assistant.) She’s one of those people I connected with from the beginning. She has the energy of a 20-year old but is in her 60s and has a lot of life experience to offer. She and her family all struggle with depression – she’s been working on her “issues” her whole life. She talked about how with anxiety/depression there is a tendency to ruminate and analyze the same things over and over and over. One of the biggest lessons she learned from counseling is living in the present. Though the past shapes us and we must make plans for the future, the present is most important. Think, what are you worried about? Something you did/didn’t do, something you’re nervous about coming up in the near future? Breathe, relax, and be in the now.

And then, there it came – the moment that caught me off guard in the most beautiful way. My friend told me, “I have a picture of myself back when I was in kindergarten. I keep it displayed in my closet where I can see it every day. I look at the picture and say to myself, Be good to her today.”

Do you ever feel broken? Do you ever wish you could go back to being a child before you were tainted by the worries and anxieties of the world? You’re not so far gone. You are still the same person. That child is still there inside you. Be good to her.

This is the photo of me I have chosen to display to remind me to take care of and love me:

Think about it. What photo would you display to remind you to love yourself? Go and find it, then do it.

What is HSP?

Just in case you missed my first post, here's the link:

http://aheightenedlife.blogspot.com/2016/11/living-heightened-life.html

What is a highly sensitive person (HSP)?

A highly sensitive person is one who experiences hypersensitivity to external stimuli, greater depth of cognitive processing, and high emotional reactivity. (Thanks, Google!)

The Huffington Post wrote a fantastic article titled 16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People. I’ll share with you the ones that apply to me, but the link is below if you’d like to read the whole thing (which I recommend!).

• They feel more deeply.

o   It’s a sixth sense.

o   This can be a blessing. I am able to love and receive love very deeply. But with that comes vulnerability and I can be hurt more deeply. It’s a blessing and a curse.

• They’re more emotionally reactive.

o   In good and bad ways! HSPs feel the same emotions as everyone else, just more intensely, at least in my personal experience.

• They prefer to exercise solo.

o   Gyms are not my thing, never have been my thing and never will be. Unless it’s a yoga gym where the lights are dim and nobody is watching me. But even then…

• It takes longer for them to make decisions.

o   I’m very hard on myself as well as a perfectionist so decision-making (when it’s the decisions that REALLY matter) is a big deal.

• They are more upset if they make a “bad” or “wrong” decision

o   Emotions are amplified, emotional reactivity is higher

• They’re extremely detail-oriented.

o   I try to find a balance between being detail-oriented and just following through with my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) tendencies.

§  The one time you try NOT to be overbearing and OCD though, will be the one time you should have been.

·         Example: I recently planned an appreciation dinner for all the volunteers I work with. I spent hours making sure we had enough food and the right kind of food, spoke with two different managers on four different days, and confirmed twice two days before. The day of the dinner I had a feeling maybe I should call the restaurant to confirm. I argued with myself saying, “Staci. You just spoke with them two days ago. You don’t need to call and be overbearing.” Well. They didn’t show up and re-scheduled it for a week later without informing me until I called 15 minutes before the food was supposed to arrive. I was livid. Moral of the story… Sometimes perfectionism and OCD tendencies make things happen!

• Not all highly sensitive people are introverts.

o   I’m slightly more extroverted than introverted.

• They can be more prone to anxiety or depression.

o   Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether I’m experiencing anxiety or sensitivity or both!

•  “That annoying sound is probably significantly more annoying to an HSP.”

o   In the last year, especially, I’ve noticed how different sounds affect me so quickly. I’m very jumpy at even the slightest sounds. My husband helps me to have fun with it and laughs with me and loves me for how “fun” I am, which is much better than feeling negative emotions toward this part of high sensitivity.

• Violent movies are the worst.

o   If I watch violent or scary shows I have to take it in small doses. My mood is easily affected by content of entertainment.

• They cry more easily.

o   Tears leak out of my eyes quite often. Something I’m working on is an acceptance of self and acknowledging that it’s okay to cry. My husband takes good care of me when I cry. He holds me, tells me it’s okay to cry, and, “I still love you.” I used to think that not being perfect all the time and crying a lot was a sign of weakness. So when I wasn’t perfect or I cried, I assumed the man I loved wouldn’t want me anymore. I am happy I was wrong.

o   They have above-average manners.

§  We are a breed who is “self-aware.” When you know yourself well and are aware of your needs you also become more aware of those around you. For example, we notice easily the ones at the social gathering not having a good time or feeling uncomfortable. There’s that sixth sense again!

• The effects of criticism are especially amplified in highly sensitive people.

o   We’re already so aware of our flaws that when others point them out it can be very upsetting.

o   Growing up my parents rarely punished me because I was hard enough on myself. With that I have a very obedient heart so I couldn’t stand to feel like I disappointed anyone, especially my parents.

§  Once I was bouncing a ball down the long stairs in our house. My mom was sitting in a recliner at the bottom. She told me to stop, but like that moment in any kid’s life I had to do it “one more time.” The ball bounced down and then up into the light fixture, which shattered into pieces. My jaw dropped, I gasped, and locked eyes with my mom who had that “I told you so look” in her eyes. I ran to my bedroom, locked the door, gathered up all the money I could find, and wrote a note that said, “I’m so so so sorry. I hope this is enough money to buy another light bulb.” Then I hid in a bookshelf with a giant pillow blocking my body. They found me. Instead of yelling, my mom was very calm and instead had a discussion with me on listening.

• Cubicles = good. Open-office plans = bad.

o   “Many HSPs enjoy working from home or being self-employed because they can control the stimuli in their work environments.”

o   For me, this ties in with social anxiety. I put social pressure on myself at work to maintain positive relationships. Sometimes it’s just relieving and comforting to sit in my cubicle.

The way people view sensitivity is influenced by cultural views. One culture might say sensitive people are weak, where other cultures look at it as a quality of strength and leadership. I believe HSPs are strong people not despite their unique qualities, but because of them.

16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/highly-sensitive-people-signs-habits_n_4810794.html

Living a Heightened Life

I’ve done it. I’ve started a blog. As time goes on, just like anyone, I learn more and more about myself. This past year has been a whirlwind of emotions and research and understanding into who I am and the way that I am.

This post is very vulnerable and something I thought I would never share with the world. But I’m sharing it now because I’ve been inspired by others who share their struggles to help others.

You see, I am a highly sensitive person. It’s a thing, believe it or not.

If we’re going to do this right, let’s start from the beginning.

In high school I learned I had mild seasonal depression. It would occur in the summertime which is why it went undiagnosed for so long (typically seasonal depression occurs in winter months). I had no energy or motivation, was ornery a lot, and felt sad. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and then in confiding with my mother (who has been one of THE biggest supports to me) I told her, “I think I have depression.” Like many people with depression, the moment I was able to put a label on why I was feeling so crappy actually made me feel better. I felt I wasn’t crazy, that I was just unwell and with the right help I could feel better and feel myself again. With the help of medication, the chemicals in my brain balanced out and I felt “normal” again.

Then, as a young college student I experienced true anxiety and soon after learned it would always be a part of who I am. It was disheartening and extremely discouraging at first, but through the help and teaching of an incredible behavioral therapist, time, learning, supportive family and friends, and personal “soul searching” I have learned there is good in it (some days it’s harder to remember this than others).

At 24 years old I thought I really had a good handle on everything, but as time passed I felt my anxiety and depression were getting worse.

That year things went downhill for me – I was in an emotionally stressful job and my anti-depressants stopped working (this is bound to happen to anyone who is on a medication for an extended amount of time). I switched meds and the new ones not only didn’t help me improve but made me feel worse. It was all I could do to get out of bed for work in the morning. And then to make it through the day without breaking down was another feat. There were lots of tears.

I was living in Utah and my two biggest emotional supports (mom and dad) had moved to Arizona. I wasn’t doing well and I desperately needed them. I decided to give my notice at work and planned to move to Arizona. It was an idea I had played with since they moved, and knew if I didn’t try it out, I would always wonder “what if.” It was a struggle not to feel like I was giving up. I now believe there was bravery in my decision. It’s a brave thing to chase after what you know you need. What I needed was a change and emotional support.

In moving down here I gained that change and emotional support, but I left behind where I grew up and some really amazing friends. It took time, but I finally found a wonderful job, moved in with great roommates, and attended an LDS singles ward that was very fulfilling for me.

Then I got sick, and sick again. And again. It was all bizarre stuff (severe dehydration, sensitive stomach, heat exhaustion, inner ear trouble, etc.). It all really threw me back. It took me a long time to recover from each set back and I was extremely emotional over each one. I felt weak, and angry that I was so fragile and dependent on others when all my adult life I had been strong and independent. I became someone who cries a lot, even over the littlest things. Then I remembered a book I bought once called The Highly Sensitive Person. It clicked. THAT was me. That was the reason I was so affected by my unhealthy body, by the world around me. I again found a label that helped me realize I wasn’t alone, that I could learn how to function being me.

During all of this I met my now husband, who loved me unconditionally from the get-go. He has helped me accept and love who I am, through his own accepting and loving who I am. Love does not fix everything, but real love does bring hope and encouragement, understanding, and peace.

I saw a quote recently that read:

“Progress through something traumatic, it’s not linear. It’s not like we go from unhealthy to healthy, failure to success. I think it’s all just circular. You just come back around to the same pain, and the same loneliness. But each time you come around you’re stronger for the climb.” - Glennon Doyle

I still haven’t “figured it all out” and probably never will. But there is always more to learn. And, at least for me, more knowledge = more confidence.

Now I am married to my best friend (a story for later about how I even got to this point!). My husband and I are on a journey together to learn as much as we can about ourselves and each other, and then to hopefully share what we learn to help others.

I know there are other highly sensitive people out there like me (I’m married to one!). In sharing my experiences, thoughts, and feelings I hope to inspire others to connect, learn more, and be open with those around them.

Next post: What does it mean to be highly sensitive?

Are you a highly sensitive person? Find out by clicking on the link below.

http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

This is the book I referred to above:

The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You