Living a Heightened Life

I’ve done it. I’ve started a blog. As time goes on, just like anyone, I learn more and more about myself. This past year has been a whirlwind of emotions and research and understanding into who I am and the way that I am.

This post is very vulnerable and something I thought I would never share with the world. But I’m sharing it now because I’ve been inspired by others who share their struggles to help others.

You see, I am a highly sensitive person. It’s a thing, believe it or not.

If we’re going to do this right, let’s start from the beginning.

In high school I learned I had mild seasonal depression. It would occur in the summertime which is why it went undiagnosed for so long (typically seasonal depression occurs in winter months). I had no energy or motivation, was ornery a lot, and felt sad. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and then in confiding with my mother (who has been one of THE biggest supports to me) I told her, “I think I have depression.” Like many people with depression, the moment I was able to put a label on why I was feeling so crappy actually made me feel better. I felt I wasn’t crazy, that I was just unwell and with the right help I could feel better and feel myself again. With the help of medication, the chemicals in my brain balanced out and I felt “normal” again.

Then, as a young college student I experienced true anxiety and soon after learned it would always be a part of who I am. It was disheartening and extremely discouraging at first, but through the help and teaching of an incredible behavioral therapist, time, learning, supportive family and friends, and personal “soul searching” I have learned there is good in it (some days it’s harder to remember this than others).

At 24 years old I thought I really had a good handle on everything, but as time passed I felt my anxiety and depression were getting worse.

That year things went downhill for me – I was in an emotionally stressful job and my anti-depressants stopped working (this is bound to happen to anyone who is on a medication for an extended amount of time). I switched meds and the new ones not only didn’t help me improve but made me feel worse. It was all I could do to get out of bed for work in the morning. And then to make it through the day without breaking down was another feat. There were lots of tears.

I was living in Utah and my two biggest emotional supports (mom and dad) had moved to Arizona. I wasn’t doing well and I desperately needed them. I decided to give my notice at work and planned to move to Arizona. It was an idea I had played with since they moved, and knew if I didn’t try it out, I would always wonder “what if.” It was a struggle not to feel like I was giving up. I now believe there was bravery in my decision. It’s a brave thing to chase after what you know you need. What I needed was a change and emotional support.

In moving down here I gained that change and emotional support, but I left behind where I grew up and some really amazing friends. It took time, but I finally found a wonderful job, moved in with great roommates, and attended an LDS singles ward that was very fulfilling for me.

Then I got sick, and sick again. And again. It was all bizarre stuff (severe dehydration, sensitive stomach, heat exhaustion, inner ear trouble, etc.). It all really threw me back. It took me a long time to recover from each set back and I was extremely emotional over each one. I felt weak, and angry that I was so fragile and dependent on others when all my adult life I had been strong and independent. I became someone who cries a lot, even over the littlest things. Then I remembered a book I bought once called The Highly Sensitive Person. It clicked. THAT was me. That was the reason I was so affected by my unhealthy body, by the world around me. I again found a label that helped me realize I wasn’t alone, that I could learn how to function being me.

During all of this I met my now husband, who loved me unconditionally from the get-go. He has helped me accept and love who I am, through his own accepting and loving who I am. Love does not fix everything, but real love does bring hope and encouragement, understanding, and peace.

I saw a quote recently that read:

“Progress through something traumatic, it’s not linear. It’s not like we go from unhealthy to healthy, failure to success. I think it’s all just circular. You just come back around to the same pain, and the same loneliness. But each time you come around you’re stronger for the climb.” - Glennon Doyle

I still haven’t “figured it all out” and probably never will. But there is always more to learn. And, at least for me, more knowledge = more confidence.

Now I am married to my best friend (a story for later about how I even got to this point!). My husband and I are on a journey together to learn as much as we can about ourselves and each other, and then to hopefully share what we learn to help others.

I know there are other highly sensitive people out there like me (I’m married to one!). In sharing my experiences, thoughts, and feelings I hope to inspire others to connect, learn more, and be open with those around them.

Next post: What does it mean to be highly sensitive?

Are you a highly sensitive person? Find out by clicking on the link below.

http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

This is the book I referred to above:

The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You