Be Good to Her

Hello again.

Recently I decided to find a new behavioral therapist to receive some sensitivity/anxiety coaching again. I was struggling with feeling no control over my negative emotions. The first appointment with my new coach I told my “story” for her to get to know my history and personality better. Then we talked about the recent changes I’ve been through: getting married, living together for the first time, and moving to a new place. She said, “That’s a lot of change to go through all at once.” That simple statement made a big impact. Duh! No wonder I’ve been crying a lot. Change happens, and adjustment to change takes time.

I told her about my husband, Dackota, and how wonderful he is to me, especially when I’m feeling upset and overwhelmed. She challenged me to write a list of the things he does for me when I feel down and then ask myself, Are there things Dackota does for me that I can do for myself?

When I’m upset, Dackota:

         1. Hugs/cuddles me

         2. Listens to me talk about why I’m crying/upset

         3. Validates me

                     a. “It’s okay to cry."

                     b. “I like that you’re sensitive because…”

               4. “I still love you."

                           a. Years of dating conditioned me to think that if I was sad or cried I was weak, not strong, and that the other party’s love would be conditional and end. Dackota always reassures me that he still loves me, no matter what.

I started a list of what I can do for myself, and she helped me finish it.

         1. I can’t hug myself, but I can change my environment.

                     a. Receiving a hug makes us feel safe, secure, and protected. We came up with a list of places to go or things I can do to feel more secure, grounded.

                                 i. Some examples: bookstore, library, home, grocery store, mom and dad's house, exercise (biking, hiking, walking, yoga), taking a bath, reading, being outside, jigsaw puzzling, etc.

          2. I’m not going to talk to myself, but I can write my feelings down.

                            a. What would I say to Dackota if he were here?

                3. Validate myself

                            a. It’s normal to feel this way.

                            b. My root feelings are feelings anyone would have, just more intense.

                4. Have a list of reasons why my sensitivity is a good thing.

                            a. When I'm upset my emotions take over and it feels like the worst thing in the world to be sensitive. Having this list will help me remember why it's great to be me.

And finally, the most eye-opening experience of the week…

One of my volunteers (she’s also my friend) came with me this week to help me pack up the food for meal delivery that day. We had a blast! (I was trying to convince her to come be my assistant.) She’s one of those people I connected with from the beginning. She has the energy of a 20-year old but is in her 60s and has a lot of life experience to offer. She and her family all struggle with depression – she’s been working on her “issues” her whole life. She talked about how with anxiety/depression there is a tendency to ruminate and analyze the same things over and over and over. One of the biggest lessons she learned from counseling is living in the present. Though the past shapes us and we must make plans for the future, the present is most important. Think, what are you worried about? Something you did/didn’t do, something you’re nervous about coming up in the near future? Breathe, relax, and be in the now.

And then, there it came – the moment that caught me off guard in the most beautiful way. My friend told me, “I have a picture of myself back when I was in kindergarten. I keep it displayed in my closet where I can see it every day. I look at the picture and say to myself, Be good to her today.”

Do you ever feel broken? Do you ever wish you could go back to being a child before you were tainted by the worries and anxieties of the world? You’re not so far gone. You are still the same person. That child is still there inside you. Be good to her.

This is the photo of me I have chosen to display to remind me to take care of and love me:

Think about it. What photo would you display to remind you to love yourself? Go and find it, then do it.

What is HSP?

Just in case you missed my first post, here's the link:

http://aheightenedlife.blogspot.com/2016/11/living-heightened-life.html

What is a highly sensitive person (HSP)?

A highly sensitive person is one who experiences hypersensitivity to external stimuli, greater depth of cognitive processing, and high emotional reactivity. (Thanks, Google!)

The Huffington Post wrote a fantastic article titled 16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People. I’ll share with you the ones that apply to me, but the link is below if you’d like to read the whole thing (which I recommend!).

• They feel more deeply.

o   It’s a sixth sense.

o   This can be a blessing. I am able to love and receive love very deeply. But with that comes vulnerability and I can be hurt more deeply. It’s a blessing and a curse.

• They’re more emotionally reactive.

o   In good and bad ways! HSPs feel the same emotions as everyone else, just more intensely, at least in my personal experience.

• They prefer to exercise solo.

o   Gyms are not my thing, never have been my thing and never will be. Unless it’s a yoga gym where the lights are dim and nobody is watching me. But even then…

• It takes longer for them to make decisions.

o   I’m very hard on myself as well as a perfectionist so decision-making (when it’s the decisions that REALLY matter) is a big deal.

• They are more upset if they make a “bad” or “wrong” decision

o   Emotions are amplified, emotional reactivity is higher

• They’re extremely detail-oriented.

o   I try to find a balance between being detail-oriented and just following through with my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) tendencies.

§  The one time you try NOT to be overbearing and OCD though, will be the one time you should have been.

·         Example: I recently planned an appreciation dinner for all the volunteers I work with. I spent hours making sure we had enough food and the right kind of food, spoke with two different managers on four different days, and confirmed twice two days before. The day of the dinner I had a feeling maybe I should call the restaurant to confirm. I argued with myself saying, “Staci. You just spoke with them two days ago. You don’t need to call and be overbearing.” Well. They didn’t show up and re-scheduled it for a week later without informing me until I called 15 minutes before the food was supposed to arrive. I was livid. Moral of the story… Sometimes perfectionism and OCD tendencies make things happen!

• Not all highly sensitive people are introverts.

o   I’m slightly more extroverted than introverted.

• They can be more prone to anxiety or depression.

o   Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether I’m experiencing anxiety or sensitivity or both!

•  “That annoying sound is probably significantly more annoying to an HSP.”

o   In the last year, especially, I’ve noticed how different sounds affect me so quickly. I’m very jumpy at even the slightest sounds. My husband helps me to have fun with it and laughs with me and loves me for how “fun” I am, which is much better than feeling negative emotions toward this part of high sensitivity.

• Violent movies are the worst.

o   If I watch violent or scary shows I have to take it in small doses. My mood is easily affected by content of entertainment.

• They cry more easily.

o   Tears leak out of my eyes quite often. Something I’m working on is an acceptance of self and acknowledging that it’s okay to cry. My husband takes good care of me when I cry. He holds me, tells me it’s okay to cry, and, “I still love you.” I used to think that not being perfect all the time and crying a lot was a sign of weakness. So when I wasn’t perfect or I cried, I assumed the man I loved wouldn’t want me anymore. I am happy I was wrong.

o   They have above-average manners.

§  We are a breed who is “self-aware.” When you know yourself well and are aware of your needs you also become more aware of those around you. For example, we notice easily the ones at the social gathering not having a good time or feeling uncomfortable. There’s that sixth sense again!

• The effects of criticism are especially amplified in highly sensitive people.

o   We’re already so aware of our flaws that when others point them out it can be very upsetting.

o   Growing up my parents rarely punished me because I was hard enough on myself. With that I have a very obedient heart so I couldn’t stand to feel like I disappointed anyone, especially my parents.

§  Once I was bouncing a ball down the long stairs in our house. My mom was sitting in a recliner at the bottom. She told me to stop, but like that moment in any kid’s life I had to do it “one more time.” The ball bounced down and then up into the light fixture, which shattered into pieces. My jaw dropped, I gasped, and locked eyes with my mom who had that “I told you so look” in her eyes. I ran to my bedroom, locked the door, gathered up all the money I could find, and wrote a note that said, “I’m so so so sorry. I hope this is enough money to buy another light bulb.” Then I hid in a bookshelf with a giant pillow blocking my body. They found me. Instead of yelling, my mom was very calm and instead had a discussion with me on listening.

• Cubicles = good. Open-office plans = bad.

o   “Many HSPs enjoy working from home or being self-employed because they can control the stimuli in their work environments.”

o   For me, this ties in with social anxiety. I put social pressure on myself at work to maintain positive relationships. Sometimes it’s just relieving and comforting to sit in my cubicle.

The way people view sensitivity is influenced by cultural views. One culture might say sensitive people are weak, where other cultures look at it as a quality of strength and leadership. I believe HSPs are strong people not despite their unique qualities, but because of them.

16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/highly-sensitive-people-signs-habits_n_4810794.html

Living a Heightened Life

I’ve done it. I’ve started a blog. As time goes on, just like anyone, I learn more and more about myself. This past year has been a whirlwind of emotions and research and understanding into who I am and the way that I am.

This post is very vulnerable and something I thought I would never share with the world. But I’m sharing it now because I’ve been inspired by others who share their struggles to help others.

You see, I am a highly sensitive person. It’s a thing, believe it or not.

If we’re going to do this right, let’s start from the beginning.

In high school I learned I had mild seasonal depression. It would occur in the summertime which is why it went undiagnosed for so long (typically seasonal depression occurs in winter months). I had no energy or motivation, was ornery a lot, and felt sad. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and then in confiding with my mother (who has been one of THE biggest supports to me) I told her, “I think I have depression.” Like many people with depression, the moment I was able to put a label on why I was feeling so crappy actually made me feel better. I felt I wasn’t crazy, that I was just unwell and with the right help I could feel better and feel myself again. With the help of medication, the chemicals in my brain balanced out and I felt “normal” again.

Then, as a young college student I experienced true anxiety and soon after learned it would always be a part of who I am. It was disheartening and extremely discouraging at first, but through the help and teaching of an incredible behavioral therapist, time, learning, supportive family and friends, and personal “soul searching” I have learned there is good in it (some days it’s harder to remember this than others).

At 24 years old I thought I really had a good handle on everything, but as time passed I felt my anxiety and depression were getting worse.

That year things went downhill for me – I was in an emotionally stressful job and my anti-depressants stopped working (this is bound to happen to anyone who is on a medication for an extended amount of time). I switched meds and the new ones not only didn’t help me improve but made me feel worse. It was all I could do to get out of bed for work in the morning. And then to make it through the day without breaking down was another feat. There were lots of tears.

I was living in Utah and my two biggest emotional supports (mom and dad) had moved to Arizona. I wasn’t doing well and I desperately needed them. I decided to give my notice at work and planned to move to Arizona. It was an idea I had played with since they moved, and knew if I didn’t try it out, I would always wonder “what if.” It was a struggle not to feel like I was giving up. I now believe there was bravery in my decision. It’s a brave thing to chase after what you know you need. What I needed was a change and emotional support.

In moving down here I gained that change and emotional support, but I left behind where I grew up and some really amazing friends. It took time, but I finally found a wonderful job, moved in with great roommates, and attended an LDS singles ward that was very fulfilling for me.

Then I got sick, and sick again. And again. It was all bizarre stuff (severe dehydration, sensitive stomach, heat exhaustion, inner ear trouble, etc.). It all really threw me back. It took me a long time to recover from each set back and I was extremely emotional over each one. I felt weak, and angry that I was so fragile and dependent on others when all my adult life I had been strong and independent. I became someone who cries a lot, even over the littlest things. Then I remembered a book I bought once called The Highly Sensitive Person. It clicked. THAT was me. That was the reason I was so affected by my unhealthy body, by the world around me. I again found a label that helped me realize I wasn’t alone, that I could learn how to function being me.

During all of this I met my now husband, who loved me unconditionally from the get-go. He has helped me accept and love who I am, through his own accepting and loving who I am. Love does not fix everything, but real love does bring hope and encouragement, understanding, and peace.

I saw a quote recently that read:

“Progress through something traumatic, it’s not linear. It’s not like we go from unhealthy to healthy, failure to success. I think it’s all just circular. You just come back around to the same pain, and the same loneliness. But each time you come around you’re stronger for the climb.” - Glennon Doyle

I still haven’t “figured it all out” and probably never will. But there is always more to learn. And, at least for me, more knowledge = more confidence.

Now I am married to my best friend (a story for later about how I even got to this point!). My husband and I are on a journey together to learn as much as we can about ourselves and each other, and then to hopefully share what we learn to help others.

I know there are other highly sensitive people out there like me (I’m married to one!). In sharing my experiences, thoughts, and feelings I hope to inspire others to connect, learn more, and be open with those around them.

Next post: What does it mean to be highly sensitive?

Are you a highly sensitive person? Find out by clicking on the link below.

http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

This is the book I referred to above:

The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You