Perfect Moments

Life isn't perfect, but it does have perfect moments.

Being sensitive is a blessing and a curse. It can open up more possibilities to connect with others and self, but it can also make your body and mind sensitive to various environments. For instance, even just changing the time of day of when I take an every day medicine can make me feel real crappy.

Yesterday was one of those days. Migraine and hot flashes. Dackota came over, saw me crying, and asked, "Can I do anything for you?" He tucked me in bed, got me a cold washcloth, brought me some juice, and said, "I could read you a story if you'd like." How did he know the sound of his voice near me is just what I needed to remain calm?

After the story he hugged me and kissed me and said, "I can read your 'rock,'" referring to the painted rock he gave me for our first Christmas together. "It says 'I still love you...'"

How did he know that in that moment I wanted to apologize for not feeling good, even though I knew it wasn't my fault? How did he know I would be focused on my weaknesses and needed a reminder of my good qualities? Those that he had practically written in stone, never to be forgotten.

As a sensitive perfectionist I am fully aware that life is not perfect, nor are the people or things in it. But this - this was a perfect moment.

In that perfect moment I was overwhelmed with love. I felt like my heart might burst with love and joy (and I still had a migraine!). I had to reality check myself because it felt too good to be true. I knew that all those years I spent searching for a husband was worth it. He is worth it. I knew that those frustrating, and sometimes lonely times I endured weren't for nothing. I knew that because I continued on as best I could even though things weren't going "my way" I was being prepared for something far greater than I imagined. There really was, and still is, a divine plan for me.

And knowing what I know now, knowing the sweet, good man Dackota is, knowing our love, I would have waited more patiently. I would have waited many more years to have what I have now.

Sometimes the things we wait a long time for become even sweeter than they would have been without the wait.

Dackota and I knew love before we met. We knew happiness, as well as disappointment and frustration. I remember a change in my prayers shortly before I met him. Instead of praying to find a good match for me like I usually did, I prayed that I could be a good match for the kind of man I wanted to be with. And then when we met each other, we both prayed (separately, unknowingly) to relax, to be ourselves, and for the other to have a good time while we got to know each other. This allowed us to be aware of and kind toward each other from the very beginning.

I know that just because we said these prayers is not the reason why all of a sudden it all worked out, but it has caused me to appreciate our link to heaven. I know those prayers were heard and comfort was sent.

I share this knowing that not all couple relationships are this way. And we are certainly not perfect (are we, honey?). But I want people to know that it can be this way, it should be this way, and ultimately, it will be this way if we do our very best to live a good life and keep our covenants and promises with the Lord.

This is one of my favorite photos of Dackota and me. Was everything perfect in the story behind the photo? Absolutely not. The weeks before and night of this photo I was filled with such intense anxiety I felt I was barely managing. I was so scared. I was scared to set a date to get married because I wanted to feel good and happy when I got married.

But the happy ending to this photo is that beautiful man with that beautiful red hair who, so patiently, stayed with me and made me feel loved for not who I would be when I felt better but exactly who I was, right then. He made me feel more whole when I felt so broken inside.

Thank you for staying with me, Dackota.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I will love you forever.

Finding the Calm

Get enough sleep, eat right, exercise, etc... We've all heard the typical answers for what helps us when we feel anxious. I read an article recently on more unique things people have found to help their anxiety. Things like knitting, mini check-lists, carrying physical reminders of people in your support system, talking to plants, watching pimple popping videos, etc.

Below are two similar articles from The Mighty, a digital health community created to empower and connect people facing health challenges and disabilities.

23 'Anxiety Hacks' for Anyone Struggling Right Now
https://themighty.com/2017/02/anxiety-hacks-tips-for-reducing-anxiety/

22 Unexpected Things That Relax People Who Live With Anxiety
https://themighty.com/2017/05/unexpected-relaxation-techniques-anxiety/

For me I've found distraction is key. I try to apply my anxious energy to positive, productive things to have a positive outcome. There is so much I could write on this subject but I will try to keep it simple.

I have compiled a list of things that help me when I feel anxious, as well as links when necessary so you can view helpful information.

• Gravity/Weighted Blanket
• My husband bought this as a Christmas present but I was sleeping so terribly he had me open it up early. My sleep very noticeably improved from the first night I used it.
• This is the Gravity Blanket I have. 

• Exercise
• I used to find yoga relaxing but now I usually find it to be stressful. I prefer cardio to get all that bottled-up-tightness out. There is no right or wrong in what you do to stay active. Try out different things to find out what type of exercise works best for you!
• I have a short attention span so I've found that even 10 minutes a day can be more than what I was doing before! 10 minute solution videos are great.

• I happened upon Koboko Fitness on YouTube. Short work outs, silly trainer... It's gotten me going again. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKO8zrU3WTo_L-QZw3VQ1aQ
• I also enjoy biking when the weather is nice!

• Nature
• 11 Scientific Reasons You Should Be Spending More Time Outside: http://www.businessinsider.com/scientific-benefits-of-nature-outdoors-2016-4#2-restored-mental-energy-2
• Appreciating nature helps me feel more calm and close to God. There is so much beauty in the creations around us - all we have to do is notice it. The images below are photos I took close to my home.

 Jacaranda tree

Heart-shaped Oleander tree

 Papago Park

• Video Games
• I don't play video games often but my husband finds great ones for me every now and then.
• Stardew Valley 
• I may or may not have played this for a total of 80 hours... https://stardewvalley.net/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stardew_Valley

• Golf Story - https://www.nintendo.com/games/detail/golf-story-switch
• This one is simple but fun! I learned a lot of golf lingo, too.
• Cooking/baking
• I've found lots of joy in this as of late. There's something about creating something tasty that is also food for the soul.
• Of course, my favorite recipes usually involve the sugary ones. My latest fave dates back to college when my roommate made a Sweet Holiday Chex Mix and accidentally added double the butter. We found out AFTER we downed the whole bowl, wondering why that batch tasted extra delicious!
• I like to take out the word 'holiday,' because really, it's too good to not have more often. My husband refers to it as the "crack" dessert.

Click the image for the recipe!

• Cleaning
• This is a way for me to apply my nervous energy into productive, visible results. When I was little I used to clean my room then have my mom and dad come and look at the great job I did. Of course it wasn't hard for them to express affirmation. The only difference now is I take Dackota into whatever room I've cleaned and have him appreciate the great work I've done!

• Writing
• Words are extremely important to me, particularly the written word (giving and receiving). I never imagined writing would bring such fulfillment and connectedness. When I write I am able to use my life experiences to create something beautiful.

• Jigsaw puzzles
• My mom passed this love on to me. She got me a kindle fire and I've used the heck out of it! A puzzle a day keeps the doctor away. I typically do puzzles on my kindle so I can lay down and feel comfy but still have the satisfaction of putting pieces together.
• This is the Kindle Fire I have.

Puzzles are also a great metaphor for life

• Physical touch
• Hugging, cuddling gives me a sense of safety and feeling grounded. Especially when I feel my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Dackota got me a stuffed bear to hold on to when he's gone for any period of time. Yes, I'm 27, but even adults need stuffed animals!

• Music
• Last year when I was very ill one of the only things that seemed to help me get through it was listening to piano music on Pandora. Other times, when I am able, I will play the piano, guitar, and/or sing.

I recorded myself playing a part of the song "Mia & Sebastian's Theme"from the

movie La la Land. The music really inspired me and playing

this song for the first time felt amazing.

I didn't notice until after I compiled this list that a common theme among many of these is creation. I've never considered myself an "artsy" person, but I've learned that crafting is not the only element of creativity. I think we all have the ability and desire to be creative. Even better, we get to share what we create with others.

I'd love to hear what helps you when you're anxious! What does your creative outlook like?

When it Feels Like the End

This weekend our friends got married! We felt so blessed to be part of such a special day. Our Bishop married them and gave some great advice of which I took out of it, "The most important thing in a marriage is kindness." And later, "Make time to laugh together."

I was all sorts of emotional because that's what love does to me (and pretty much everything else!). I've been pondering a lot on that advice and I think it really applies to every relationship. We could say, The most important thing in any relationship is kindness.

This morning I was driving to work when the truck + trailer just ahead and left of me had a tire rip off and land right in the middle of my lane. There was no time to change lanes, swerve around it, or even slow down so I ran right over it. I had to hold tight to my steering wheel, as my car started to jostle, being that the tire was stuck underneath my car, scraping along. I did my best to get over to the shoulder of the freeway.

As I made it to the shoulder the tire finally popped out from under my car. Ahead of me I could see steam or smoke coming from my hood. Once I parked the car I got out of it because, you know, is my engine going to blow up?!

Once the guy driving the truck realized what happened with his tire he made it over to the shoulder, too. I've always wondered how I would handle a car accident, how I would treat the other driver. Turns out I was just really mad (but still nice). Not because it happened but because the guy driving the truck was not helpful. He told me, "The smoke is probably from the rubber burning up underneath your vehicle. But there's no damage." Um, excuse me?? I told him I wanted to report it to my insurance and asked him if he had his insurance card with him. He returned with his business card. I snapped a photo of the license plate just in case. Then he left because he "had an appointment."

The point of this is not to rant about how that guy should have handled things better (even though he should have). The point of this is to share what went through my mind for the quick moment before I ran over the tire.

Now, I suffered no injury and it could have been a millions times worse (and I clearly did NOT die). I sympathize greatly for others and wonder how they go through worse situations. But in my scary moment I was thinking, This is it, I might crash and die.

My mind flashed to the last text I sent. And then quickly went to the last conversation I had with my husband (other than a goodbye this morning). 

Dackota: I love you. You are so sweet and thoughtful... I love you... You take good care of me. You always cook good food and make sure we have food to eat. You do our laundry a lot. You do the dishes a lot. You care... I love you.

Me: I love you. Thank you for being a wonderful husband.

Dackota: Thank you for being a wonderful wife.

Being with him I felt such peace, contentment, and calm. I felt like everything was all right in the world because our love is kind.

In that "I think I'm going to die" moment I realize my mind was reflecting on the last decisions I made. For me, I remembered that moment, that feeling with my husband. I knew that if I did die Dackota would know that I loved him and did everything I could to take care of him and make him feel loved.

Love is a choice. One in which I hope we will always do our very best to choose kindness. Through kind and gentle care for one another I believe we will find the greatest love of all. Be kind and find laughter with those you love. Don't fret on the little things that don't matter in the end. Live in a way that if your last moment came you wouldn't feel regret, but instead feel confidence that the people you leave behind know with all clarity that you love and appreciate them.

"We carry with us, as human beings, not just the capacity to

be kind, but the very choice of kindness."

(R.J. Palacio, Wonder)