I'm Not Who I Used To Be

I used to be near-sighted. Then I had lasik eye surgery. Now I need glasses.

I used to not know what vertigo felt like. Now I have chronic dizziness issues and know what different types of dizziness feel like.

There is a point to my story.

There have been a lot of days lately that I don't feel well. There are so many words I've been meaning to write but due to a new kind of dizziness my eyes and head just haven't been able to handle much.

I honestly lost count of how many medical appointments I had this last month. Though I've never felt so completely frustrated, I've tried to keep hope and a perspective that things could be so much worse.

Turns out even a slight imbalance in one's vision can cause a whole lot of problems. The short version is I really, really hope these glasses do the trick. This is the hope I've been holding on to for weeks.

I'm one of the lucky ones. Did you know there are thousands (!) of people suffering with dizziness issues? Diseases, disorders, unknown causes... People who can't work, who can't drive, who can't get around or do hardly ANYTHING. Thanks to my sister's suggestion, I am part of an online support group and these folks have taught me many valuable lessons. One such lesson is below.

The good news is I am able to take full advantage of the good days and precious moments when they come. I am still working, breathing, and counting my blessings! I've learned to lean in to my joys a little deeper, and a little longer. I've learned that hope is very powerful and necessary to keep going, to keep learning, to keep fighting.

I couldn't do it alone. It's all about love. True love is sacrifice and selflessness. Dackota has asked me more than usual, "How can I help you," and I am so grateful for it. Caring for each other is how we get through the crap.

One of my support group members shared her experience with dizziness and said something so powerful to me, I'm not who I used to be so I work on who I am.

I think of this every day now. It was like a light bulb went on in my heart, a flicker of courage. I do believe that comparison is the thief of joy. But I never made the connection that comparing my current situation(s) to my past situation(s) can cause pain. Stop. Stop comparing! We cannot compare what things used to be like to what they are now or we will suffer. Plain as that.

Words to live by...

I'm not who I used to be... So I work on who I am.

Inhale Courage, Exhale Fear

This week Dackota and I took our little nieces, Adelaide and Claire, out on a date to Uptown Jungle Fun Park. Unfortunately I'm in the middle of terrible dizziness but  I wanted to do it anyway because I don't get to see them all the time.

My illness right now gets worse as the day progresses and various things trigger or exacerbate the dizziness: visually demanding environments, bright lights, movement, driving, etc. I lasted one minute on the trampolines and I was done for the night. But the girls were laughing and running around and having a great time and that made me happy.

I don't think kids are aware of many things we adults are. They don't understand worrying about this and that or if we don't feel well inside. What they do notice, though, is when you give them your time. According to me I was not a fun aunt that night. But grandma told me later, according to Adelaide, "No matter what we do with Staci it is so so fun!" We should be there for them, as much as we can, even if we feel crappy and scared inside. Their memories with us might last forever, but our trials and hard times will not (at least I hope not).

Adelaide goes rock climbing with her dad so we got her on the climbing section. And I had a moment with her that felt so inspiring. The last climb she wanted to do was the one all the other kids were doing. Now normally she's bouncing up and down and all around, constantly talking up a storm. But she hopped in line and was so patient, so calm waiting for her turn. I stood by, admiring her. All the other kids were clearly bigger and taller than she was but she didn't even seem to notice. She stood there with such confidence and bravery (hands on her hips!).

On most days she's a "princess" and likes princess things - wearing dresses, having pretty hair, all the girly stuff. But in this moment she seemed so fierce, I might have said she was a little warrior princess.

I recalled a quote I had read earlier that day: Inhale courage, exhale fear.

Seeing Adelaide be so brave, so naturally, I wondered why I can't do that. I can't tell you that all of a sudden I'm brave now. But I can tell you I made a goal right there to try to be more childlike! To strengthen my faith, to try as hard as I can to inhale courage, exhale fear.

This week I've realized even more that we all need hope. We all need to know that somehow, someway, everything is going to be okay. Without hope feelings of despair and loneliness can easily swoop in. Fight hard, learn what you can, and hold on to hope.

I love this little Adelaide. Parts of her remind me of myself and she makes me feel like I can be brave in the face of scary or hopeless times. (Thank you, siblings, for having kids so I can be their aunt!)

Adelaide, maybe you'll read this someday and if you do... I love you. I love you for the silly, smart things you say all the time, things I write down and want to remember for forever. You are beautiful not just because you're a princess but because you are kind and you make those of us around you feel loved and special. You tell great stories and give great snuggles. Keep being brave, my sweet Adelaide.

Us on our date. I got stabbed by her unicorn horn more than once :D

Break Out the Toolkit

This last month or so of work has been crappy. With what has felt like enormous work challenges (combined with big life events at the moment) I've felt suffocated, my body so toxic with stress and anxiety. But let me tell you, it is my support system that has gotten me through. Time out of the house with good friends, hugs and love notes from my sweet husband, family who listens and understands... I wouldn't trade my loved ones for anything. I am so reminded that we need each other.

During some of the craziness I came across this great post on Instagram:

My "toolkit" doesn't look exactly like this one and yours probably won't either. The point is to learn and add to it to prepare for those tough days.

The good news is yesterday I felt like I was finally able to breakthrough some of the hard stuff. I got in my car and, with tears of relief streaming down my cheeks, sang my heart out to the best songs.

My goal is to practice the breathing techniques I've recently learned to help me stay centered and more calm for the next difficult stretch of life that comes up.

If you're reading this and feel so inclined to share what tools you keep in your toolkit I would love to hear and learn from you.

(Also world, don't you dare throw anything else at me right now unless it is alllll positive.)

Perfect Moments

Life isn't perfect, but it does have perfect moments.

Being sensitive is a blessing and a curse. It can open up more possibilities to connect with others and self, but it can also make your body and mind sensitive to various environments. For instance, even just changing the time of day of when I take an every day medicine can make me feel real crappy.

Yesterday was one of those days. Migraine and hot flashes. Dackota came over, saw me crying, and asked, "Can I do anything for you?" He tucked me in bed, got me a cold washcloth, brought me some juice, and said, "I could read you a story if you'd like." How did he know the sound of his voice near me is just what I needed to remain calm?

After the story he hugged me and kissed me and said, "I can read your 'rock,'" referring to the painted rock he gave me for our first Christmas together. "It says 'I still love you...'"

How did he know that in that moment I wanted to apologize for not feeling good, even though I knew it wasn't my fault? How did he know I would be focused on my weaknesses and needed a reminder of my good qualities? Those that he had practically written in stone, never to be forgotten.

As a sensitive perfectionist I am fully aware that life is not perfect, nor are the people or things in it. But this - this was a perfect moment.

In that perfect moment I was overwhelmed with love. I felt like my heart might burst with love and joy (and I still had a migraine!). I had to reality check myself because it felt too good to be true. I knew that all those years I spent searching for a husband was worth it. He is worth it. I knew that those frustrating, and sometimes lonely times I endured weren't for nothing. I knew that because I continued on as best I could even though things weren't going "my way" I was being prepared for something far greater than I imagined. There really was, and still is, a divine plan for me.

And knowing what I know now, knowing the sweet, good man Dackota is, knowing our love, I would have waited more patiently. I would have waited many more years to have what I have now.

Sometimes the things we wait a long time for become even sweeter than they would have been without the wait.

Dackota and I knew love before we met. We knew happiness, as well as disappointment and frustration. I remember a change in my prayers shortly before I met him. Instead of praying to find a good match for me like I usually did, I prayed that I could be a good match for the kind of man I wanted to be with. And then when we met each other, we both prayed (separately, unknowingly) to relax, to be ourselves, and for the other to have a good time while we got to know each other. This allowed us to be aware of and kind toward each other from the very beginning.

I know that just because we said these prayers is not the reason why all of a sudden it all worked out, but it has caused me to appreciate our link to heaven. I know those prayers were heard and comfort was sent.

I share this knowing that not all couple relationships are this way. And we are certainly not perfect (are we, honey?). But I want people to know that it can be this way, it should be this way, and ultimately, it will be this way if we do our very best to live a good life and keep our covenants and promises with the Lord.

This is one of my favorite photos of Dackota and me. Was everything perfect in the story behind the photo? Absolutely not. The weeks before and night of this photo I was filled with such intense anxiety I felt I was barely managing. I was so scared. I was scared to set a date to get married because I wanted to feel good and happy when I got married.

But the happy ending to this photo is that beautiful man with that beautiful red hair who, so patiently, stayed with me and made me feel loved for not who I would be when I felt better but exactly who I was, right then. He made me feel more whole when I felt so broken inside.

Thank you for staying with me, Dackota.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I will love you forever.

Finding the Calm

Get enough sleep, eat right, exercise, etc... We've all heard the typical answers for what helps us when we feel anxious. I read an article recently on more unique things people have found to help their anxiety. Things like knitting, mini check-lists, carrying physical reminders of people in your support system, talking to plants, watching pimple popping videos, etc.

Below are two similar articles from The Mighty, a digital health community created to empower and connect people facing health challenges and disabilities.

23 'Anxiety Hacks' for Anyone Struggling Right Now
https://themighty.com/2017/02/anxiety-hacks-tips-for-reducing-anxiety/

22 Unexpected Things That Relax People Who Live With Anxiety
https://themighty.com/2017/05/unexpected-relaxation-techniques-anxiety/

For me I've found distraction is key. I try to apply my anxious energy to positive, productive things to have a positive outcome. There is so much I could write on this subject but I will try to keep it simple.

I have compiled a list of things that help me when I feel anxious, as well as links when necessary so you can view helpful information.

• Gravity/Weighted Blanket
• My husband bought this as a Christmas present but I was sleeping so terribly he had me open it up early. My sleep very noticeably improved from the first night I used it.
• This is the Gravity Blanket I have. 

• Exercise
• I used to find yoga relaxing but now I usually find it to be stressful. I prefer cardio to get all that bottled-up-tightness out. There is no right or wrong in what you do to stay active. Try out different things to find out what type of exercise works best for you!
• I have a short attention span so I've found that even 10 minutes a day can be more than what I was doing before! 10 minute solution videos are great.

• I happened upon Koboko Fitness on YouTube. Short work outs, silly trainer... It's gotten me going again. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKO8zrU3WTo_L-QZw3VQ1aQ
• I also enjoy biking when the weather is nice!

• Nature
• 11 Scientific Reasons You Should Be Spending More Time Outside: http://www.businessinsider.com/scientific-benefits-of-nature-outdoors-2016-4#2-restored-mental-energy-2
• Appreciating nature helps me feel more calm and close to God. There is so much beauty in the creations around us - all we have to do is notice it. The images below are photos I took close to my home.

 Jacaranda tree

Heart-shaped Oleander tree

 Papago Park

• Video Games
• I don't play video games often but my husband finds great ones for me every now and then.
• Stardew Valley 
• I may or may not have played this for a total of 80 hours... https://stardewvalley.net/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stardew_Valley

• Golf Story - https://www.nintendo.com/games/detail/golf-story-switch
• This one is simple but fun! I learned a lot of golf lingo, too.
• Cooking/baking
• I've found lots of joy in this as of late. There's something about creating something tasty that is also food for the soul.
• Of course, my favorite recipes usually involve the sugary ones. My latest fave dates back to college when my roommate made a Sweet Holiday Chex Mix and accidentally added double the butter. We found out AFTER we downed the whole bowl, wondering why that batch tasted extra delicious!
• I like to take out the word 'holiday,' because really, it's too good to not have more often. My husband refers to it as the "crack" dessert.

Click the image for the recipe!

• Cleaning
• This is a way for me to apply my nervous energy into productive, visible results. When I was little I used to clean my room then have my mom and dad come and look at the great job I did. Of course it wasn't hard for them to express affirmation. The only difference now is I take Dackota into whatever room I've cleaned and have him appreciate the great work I've done!

• Writing
• Words are extremely important to me, particularly the written word (giving and receiving). I never imagined writing would bring such fulfillment and connectedness. When I write I am able to use my life experiences to create something beautiful.

• Jigsaw puzzles
• My mom passed this love on to me. She got me a kindle fire and I've used the heck out of it! A puzzle a day keeps the doctor away. I typically do puzzles on my kindle so I can lay down and feel comfy but still have the satisfaction of putting pieces together.
• This is the Kindle Fire I have.

Puzzles are also a great metaphor for life

• Physical touch
• Hugging, cuddling gives me a sense of safety and feeling grounded. Especially when I feel my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Dackota got me a stuffed bear to hold on to when he's gone for any period of time. Yes, I'm 27, but even adults need stuffed animals!

• Music
• Last year when I was very ill one of the only things that seemed to help me get through it was listening to piano music on Pandora. Other times, when I am able, I will play the piano, guitar, and/or sing.

I recorded myself playing a part of the song "Mia & Sebastian's Theme"from the

movie La la Land. The music really inspired me and playing

this song for the first time felt amazing.

I didn't notice until after I compiled this list that a common theme among many of these is creation. I've never considered myself an "artsy" person, but I've learned that crafting is not the only element of creativity. I think we all have the ability and desire to be creative. Even better, we get to share what we create with others.

I'd love to hear what helps you when you're anxious! What does your creative outlook like?

When it Feels Like the End

This weekend our friends got married! We felt so blessed to be part of such a special day. Our Bishop married them and gave some great advice of which I took out of it, "The most important thing in a marriage is kindness." And later, "Make time to laugh together."

I was all sorts of emotional because that's what love does to me (and pretty much everything else!). I've been pondering a lot on that advice and I think it really applies to every relationship. We could say, The most important thing in any relationship is kindness.

This morning I was driving to work when the truck + trailer just ahead and left of me had a tire rip off and land right in the middle of my lane. There was no time to change lanes, swerve around it, or even slow down so I ran right over it. I had to hold tight to my steering wheel, as my car started to jostle, being that the tire was stuck underneath my car, scraping along. I did my best to get over to the shoulder of the freeway.

As I made it to the shoulder the tire finally popped out from under my car. Ahead of me I could see steam or smoke coming from my hood. Once I parked the car I got out of it because, you know, is my engine going to blow up?!

Once the guy driving the truck realized what happened with his tire he made it over to the shoulder, too. I've always wondered how I would handle a car accident, how I would treat the other driver. Turns out I was just really mad (but still nice). Not because it happened but because the guy driving the truck was not helpful. He told me, "The smoke is probably from the rubber burning up underneath your vehicle. But there's no damage." Um, excuse me?? I told him I wanted to report it to my insurance and asked him if he had his insurance card with him. He returned with his business card. I snapped a photo of the license plate just in case. Then he left because he "had an appointment."

The point of this is not to rant about how that guy should have handled things better (even though he should have). The point of this is to share what went through my mind for the quick moment before I ran over the tire.

Now, I suffered no injury and it could have been a millions times worse (and I clearly did NOT die). I sympathize greatly for others and wonder how they go through worse situations. But in my scary moment I was thinking, This is it, I might crash and die.

My mind flashed to the last text I sent. And then quickly went to the last conversation I had with my husband (other than a goodbye this morning). 

Dackota: I love you. You are so sweet and thoughtful... I love you... You take good care of me. You always cook good food and make sure we have food to eat. You do our laundry a lot. You do the dishes a lot. You care... I love you.

Me: I love you. Thank you for being a wonderful husband.

Dackota: Thank you for being a wonderful wife.

Being with him I felt such peace, contentment, and calm. I felt like everything was all right in the world because our love is kind.

In that "I think I'm going to die" moment I realize my mind was reflecting on the last decisions I made. For me, I remembered that moment, that feeling with my husband. I knew that if I did die Dackota would know that I loved him and did everything I could to take care of him and make him feel loved.

Love is a choice. One in which I hope we will always do our very best to choose kindness. Through kind and gentle care for one another I believe we will find the greatest love of all. Be kind and find laughter with those you love. Don't fret on the little things that don't matter in the end. Live in a way that if your last moment came you wouldn't feel regret, but instead feel confidence that the people you leave behind know with all clarity that you love and appreciate them.

"We carry with us, as human beings, not just the capacity to

be kind, but the very choice of kindness."

(R.J. Palacio, Wonder)

My Favorite People

A couple weeks ago we had a great time with my WHOLE family in town!

I am the aunt to the best kiddos around!

ETHAN

Ethan made me an aunt and will always hold that special place in my heart. We were all smitten with him when he joined our family.  I was a senior in high school and when I would have a hard day I would just lay next to him or hold him and stare at him, feeling close to heaven. He is sweet and kind and still likes hugs!

COLE

Cole is creative, fun, a great hiker, and full of energy! He's 1/8 of these kids to have curly hair. He informed me this visit he is allergic to being tickled. I'm old news since Dackota entered the picture. The first thing he says every time he sees me is, "Where's Dackota?!"

Cole is the one popping up behind the couch. He was so sneaky we didn't know he was in the photo until looking at it.

ADELAIDE

Adelaide is all girl and loves being a princess. She says the funniest things in the cutest way. One of my favorites:

Me: Do you get your creativity from your mom or your dad?

Adelaide: Um, I just get it from my mind.

She is my sweet friend. When I sleep over at her house she will crawl in bed with me in the mornings to cuddle and talk. She is special to me because we both are sensitive and I understand her heart.

AVA

Ava is a goofball, has a contagious smile, and loves to laugh. Some people say she looks like me, which is so flattering! She's a great big sister and adores her little brother. We have a lot of FaceTime chats and she always keeps me laughing. She is so pretty, like her mama!

CLAIRE

Claire's "talk" is the most adorable thing ever. She memorizes awesome songs and is just a happy, easy-going kid. She likes Grandpa, Dackota, and Staci.

Me: "I'm your aunt, so what does that make Dackota?"

Claire: "Your dad!"

Dackota: "You're a great hiker, Claire!"

Claire: "Yeah! I just keep walking!"

HAZEL

Hazel has the blondest hair, darling freckles, and is a daddy's girl. We played charades one night and she was my buddy. I was having a great time snuggling with her, Dackota, and Claire, when all of a sudden Hazel asks me, "Why are you smooshing me?" Oops! Too much snuggling...

HENRY

Henry is Mr. Independent and is talking more and more. Lately he likes to say things like, "Mommy, this is so fun!" and "This is so fun, guys!" He loves trains ("choo-choos") and wearing hats like his dad. He recently started saying my name!

 

DAXTON

Dax is an explorer and has the best facial expressions. He would rather have played with dirt and sticks than have family photos taken. He has the best rosy cheeks and looks just like his dad!

 


I captured this special moment. Girl time with ice cream and a gorgeous sunset (and Dackota)!

We don't have kids of our own yet, but for now I am reveling in my role as an aunt. There's no other feeling like that of seeing your nephew or niece's face light up and yell, "Staci!" when they see you.